Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The NOT-Boyfriend

A woman I know has a person in her life that she calls her Not-Boyfriend.  I'm not really sure what the definition of a NB is but I have been asking some key questions in an attempt to learn more about this new species of human and  newfangled relationship status, like  "How was your date?"

The answer she gave was a bit disappointing as it really didn't give me any new insights into what it means to date have dinner with a NB.  She talked about the outside table they sat at and about the food.  So far the NB is pretty much living up to his title.  But still not convinced, I asked "Did you have sex after?"  which apparently deserved no reply. (the texting stopped abruptly) So,  I'm going to take that as a "no." Or perhaps this man is not a not-boyfriend afterall.  Or, possibly, sex is allowed in NB relationships, but neither participant is allowed to talk about it after.  Maybe  there are some additional rules, like no eye contact, and all personal items must be taken home after each visit as the management cannot be held responsible for any items that remain on premises for more than 24 hours, and a list of fines imposed if rules are not followed to the letter, rules very similar to those found in most condo associations.

Late breaking news just received a minute ago, via  text

 Well, I'll say this much for her -  she does seem to be following the Offical NIR (Not in Relationship) rule book, rule number 634,  page 49, paragraph 3.  She is definitely practicing the safest sex, the Not Sex kind of sex.  That's the kind of sex that requires a car with enough gas to get you to a public place and back.

So far, NBs sound a lot like some women's RB ("real "boyfriend) only there is bit more truthfulness in the NB relationship.  I guess that's good, right?  Honesty.  Yeah, that's always good, even when it doesn't change a fucking thing.Even if you would have been better off never knowing.   I mean, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate honesty in any situation.  I just love it when someone tells me that my fly is down or there is hair on my chin. Yeah, that shit just makes my fucking day.

But honesty in this case doesn't really change much of anything.  Although he unabashedly admits it, He is still a NOT, and the fact that both people in the relationship are completely on board with this fact, and ok with some other smaller truths, like for instance,  that there will never be a bar of their favorite soap in the other person's shower, or even a special coffee mug in the cabinet, and neither one will get too attached to the other's dog or cat, or even to the fish, or will not bother to know what days the garbage is picked up, doesn't change the NOT part of this relationship.  Not to mention that having a NOT relationship doesn't mean you and your NOT are  friends either, because even friends have a favorite wine glass stored in a friend's cabinet in case of a sudden drinking emergency. You can pop in on a friend and not be devastated if you catch him/her with another friend.  A friend knows your real hair color, who you love and hate, and knows when you are faking - everything.

NB's probably don't know that, nor would they care.  Yeah, they would probably NOT care.

So I have to wonder.  If he's her NOT boyfriend, is he allowed to have other NOT girlfriends?  I mean is one allowed to be jealous of other Not Partners or is there a big messy house somewhere with too many houseplants and Indian fabrics on the wall where  a whole bunch of NOT boyfriends and NOT girlfriends get together and play some Crosby Stills and Nash and NOT Love the ones that they're with? Is there a growing number of these people who form communes and smoke the ganja and wear paisley and tie-dye, and sing "Unlove is all you need?"

So I will leave you with my last text regarding UNLOVE, which at this point, is apparently being ignored, and I promise to update you with any and all further insights on this this new relationship fad.

This text was never answered, although later on we enjoyed a bit of frenzied texting regarding the Dr. Phil show we were both watching, and were in complete agreement that the guy on the show was a complete asshole.

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