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Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Meat Whisperer




There's a couple of storms coming.  Usually by this time I don't get too excited about it.  I mean when I hear of the first storm of the season, I start checking my supply of lamp oil, fill too many buckets of water and count my clean underpants.    I make sure I have enough food for at least a month and put on my ugliest sweater, because snow doesn't care how you look.

After a few storms, though, I don't bother with much of anything except to make sure that the wine rack is full.  But today, for some reason, I decided to stock up on food items, probably because I skipped breakfast.  Anyway, I went out to "The Little Store", because I didn't want to run into the people at "The Bigger Store", the ones who perform comedy skits in the checkout line, and I'm pretty sure these guys only go to The Bigger Store because it's got The Bigger Audience.

But, I should know by now that the kooks are everywhere.  I mean, if anyone should know this, it should be me.  But, really, I mean how many kooks can there be in a tiny store?  Right, I'm counting on not many, but the problem with a small store is that even one kook can be too many. One can take up way too much space.  Like The Meat Whisperer.

It was supposed to be a quick trip, an in-and-outer. But unfortunately, I needed some meat   As I approached the meat case, a man was making himself large.  No, really, he was expanding so that he took over the whole case and no one else could even take a peek at the offerings, never mind read the best before dates.

Most shoppers just moved on, resigning themselves to the fact that they were going to have to wait until he was finished. But I didn't move on, no, no, no,  because I do not like people who hog things, who take up too much space, and who are touching packages of meat, maybe even the one I will eventually buy, and you know what?  He didn't really look that clean. So I stayed, because wanted to keep an eye on him.  He was, after all, seriously too close to my dinner.

So I watched and I waited.  I watched him watching meat.  No really, he was examining each package, looking very closely at it, too close - I mean what if he drooled on it?  . I was thinking, "What a fucking freak," when it occurred to me that he may not be looking, but more - communing with the meat,   and then I swear I may have seen  his mouth move.   I leaned forward a little and I think I heard him - YES you GUESSED IT! He was whispering.  He was communicating with the souls of the animals who had given up their lives so that we would be fed.  I am almost pretty sure of this!!   He was calming down the restless spirits. He may have even made the sign of the cross. i'm pretty sure he was performing an exorcism on a particularly angry chicken.  He was blessing the animals that die for our survival.  Or maybe he was just recruiting cow souls for Satan.  I mean, you know, it can happen.  He was wearing black.

And also?  He was pissing me off. Because For The Love Of God Can't These People Ever Be Normal????????  And I'm not the only one he was pissing off.  He was pissing off this old lady next to me, but she was so old that she just pushed him aside, grabbed some ground beef, hit him with her cane and fucked off, cuz that is what old people do and why we struggle to stay alive until we're old enough to do that shit and get away with it.  We are all hanging in there, putting up with all the crap that life throws at us because we have been waiting all our lives to do a bunch of crazy shit like all old people do and then put on The Dementia Face, and act like we didn't do it, or we didn't  know we were doing it, or we forgot not to do it, or maybe even start yelling about random things and swearing that it's 1867 and someone stole our wallet- what?  Wait, where am I?

Yeah,I know, the old person act is nothing new.  You've seen it all before.  But it will be awesome when it's us doing it. It. Will. Rock. Quite. A. Bit. 

And then, of course, we'll laugh.  Oh yeah, we're gonna laugh.  For sure.

AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER:  No cows or chickens or pigs for that matter were harmed in the making of this blog entry.   Because  DUH, they were already dead!   ok?  ARE YOU HAPPY NOW????

Geez.

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