Monday, February 9, 2015

The Magical Misery Tour, a Phantom Zucchini Field Trip

It's been so long since I've taken you all along to the supermarket, I bet you are going through withdrawal.  Well, here's some methadone and a seat belt.  Let's go for a ride.

There are two food stores in town.  Usually I go to the one that pisses me off the least.  That is the smaller one.  But the larger one has more of the stuff I need, stuff I can't get at the smaller one, so that means that if I go there,  I am going to end up getting pissed off.   Feel free to join me.  On the count of three  put your best crab- face on.

1 - 2 - 3.

you guys rock.

Now, normally I am such a quiet level headed not easily upset person, but when I enter this store I am immediately possessed by some dark spirit that obviously is the partron demon of shoppers who hate shopping.  But this one day, I didn't feel this way.  I was calm, somewhat together and dressed kind of swanky.  I had my shopping, list,  I brought my own bags, and I was all over my cold so unlikely to burst out with angry and maybe even inappropriate comments (because that's one of the stages of my cold/flu,( sometimes mistaken as a Tourette syndrome outburst. )

Oh hold on a sec  - there's a man outside that is making noises that sound like the kind people make while having sex.   Let me just check this out.  I'll be right back.

Ok, back.  It's all under control. No one is having sex, just shoveling.  I always have to check because if  you remember, people around here don't have any problem having sex  or peeing outside or even on people's bushes.  See full story HERE.)

SOoooooo, now where were we?........oh yeah.  Tourette's, shopping, feelin' groovy.  Got it.  Now, while in the store, there were a few minor piss offs, but otherwise all was going well, until I got to the check out and these roll playing "funny" people starting doin' their thing.

Do you know what I mean?  Those people that go places together and then burst into a comedy skit? Ok, for those who have experienced this, I want you to picture one of these skits in your mind and then I want you to add about 20-30 years onto the characters in the skit.  Are you with me?  Ok, good.
Now let's move on.

Imagine that the man says to the woman

"Maybe I should get you flowers."

Woman:  "What?"

Man:  " Flowers. Maybe I should get you flowers more often."

Woman:  "Mmm."

"Man:  "I mean I get them for my girlfriends, so I should get them for my wife, right?"

Woman:  smiles, giggles "I guess so."

At this point the man notices that I am looking at him..  (in that mouth slightly open, is this guy for real kind of way)

Man: (talking loudly)   Oh, I hope no one heard me!  ha ha ha ha!"

Woman :  *smile.*

Me:  "Ha."  No, it was more like this  "Hmm" and my face almost cracked into a tiny almost-smile, but it didn't because I have taken the  SACRED OATH OF STRAIGHTFACE    ( LINK. ) and the smile was probably just gas .  The Sacred Oath of Straightface is one hell of a solemn oath let me tell you and once you make it you have to abide by it for life or else something happens.  Something probably really bad, but I don't know.   There was another kid in my first grade class that obviously also took this oath and I bet he hasn't broken it yet either.  But who cares about him?  I certainly wasn't going to ruin my life-time record and risk some really awful punishment over this delusional supermarket guy, that's for sure.  So I gave him my best Winona Rider- Wednesday Addams sullen face of doom look, including

"The Stare of The Power of a Million Ancient Curses 
That Death Won't Rid You Of."   

** curse ©1958 all rights reserved. Please do not use without permission/protection.  just sayin'.

That stopped the role playing funny people in their tracks and they sheepishly went back to putting their purchases, which did not include flowers after all that !, but did include Metamucil, on the check-out counter.

<END FIELD TRIP.>  Thanks for coming along. Don't forget to unbuckle your seat belts and save me a seat at the bar. 


  1. Forget the flowers - get the Lindt's.

    1. I think I deserve both, actually. :) That's why my husband can't afford another woman.


Please attach soul and sign in blood. Thank you, The Management