You know, on television, small towns like this look like a lot of fun. Think Northern Exposure, or Newhart, or enter the way-way- back machine and think The Andy Griffith Show Yep. The magic of television. All those quirky characters. Yessireee, all fun and games till you have to live with them.
Anyway, Winter is a bitch here. It will force you to do things you never imagined doing. It will mess with your head. It will destroy all your values. It will ruin your reputation. It will take down your immune system. It will prompt you to do what I did this morning - go online and research what, if any, workshops/classes the local craft shop has to offer.
Yeah, I am obviously in denial, thank you very much for pointing that out. I have not accepted the demise of my self esteem, of my quickly deteriorating mental condition, or the fact that I have been wearing the same clothes for four days.
But the sad truth is, I found one class that looked interesting and for one tiny little moment I felt the ice of Winter begin to melt. Then I realized that this class is the one and only one they offer that is held at night. You know, like at six o'clock to nine o'clock and last I checked not only is that dinner time, but it is time for my glass or two of wine and I never mix wine with crafts because I suck at crafts when stone cold sober so who knows what demonic creation would be born from my brain on Merlot. So, no class after 5. but anytime before that would be fine. (as long as they don't demand a sobriety test and not if there is an all-new season of Dr. Phil on.
I don't understand why all these classes are held at night. Yes, yes, the obvious reason is that many people are not free to take classes during the day. That makes sense, except for the fact that after working at a job that you probably don't want to be working at all day long, the last thing you want to do is sit in another room full of people you don't want to be around attempting to make little crafty things that you don't want to make (or do want to make but are not very good at making so goodbye to what little self esteem you have left at all, which likely isn't much or you'd never be sitting in a craft store on a Friday night, or any other night, at a time when your shows are on and when you are usually wearing your jammies.)
But the real reason that night classes do not work for me is that nighttime is the time when I NOT BORED so why the hell would I want to take a craft class then? Right. I wouldn't. It's only those afternoon hours that make me this desperate. Desperate enough to type the words
L I S T O F C R A F T C L A S S E S IN S M A L L T O W N
into a search engine, and letting myself be directed to a site in which I discover that I can take a class in fabric jewelry making if I want to wear daytime clothes, stay sober and miss all my shows.
Ok, all you cheap guys out there that just started paying attention ? Don't get any ideas. Giving a woman jewelry made of fabric is a good way to get a black eye and no sex for the rest of your life unless you win the lottery or receive a large inheritance like the day after you gave her that lame ass gift, or you suddenly become a rock star, or a pro golfer. You've been warned. Not that anyone would ever try to sell you fabric jewelry, unless of course, you go to one of those craft fairs and if you do there is obviously no help for you. Go back to stocking up on boxes of discounted Cherios or something. Enjoy your lonely life.
So my friend over at The Palace at 4 AM is keeping busy this January with her home renovations and it makes me want to do something like that too but there's only so many times you can paint your kitchen before people start planning a intervention, so instead I've decided to regularly sabotage her efforts by inviting her to my house for some tea. Yes, I said and I mean tea. until after 4, when teacups magically turn to wine glasses and the fae roam the woodlands and then ride dragons in the sky. Then we will likely plan what we would do to change everything in this town if we could and we will get very excited about this as if it is really going to happen, and then we will sober up and realize that even if we win The Big Lottery we won't do any of this because really, why bother? With that money we can pay people to entertain us, even in the most brutal kinds of Winter. And then we will realize that we have had this same discussion about a million times or more and have come to the same conclusion, although we may have been drinking various vintages of wine each time because we are quite classy like that.