Saturday, December 13, 2014

Yep, It's THAT time of Year!!! Whatever.

 Hey!  Guess what!!!

This is the time of year when everyone announces that "It's that time of year!!" 

Every time someone says "It's that time of year!!", I try to use my amazing and not at all profitable yet masterful psychic ability to sense whether this person is feeling that it is a GOOD time of year or a BAD time of year.  This is not an easy thing to do at this time of year because this is the time of year when we put our best fake on and/say really super obvious things like "It's that time of year!" usually while drunk or in love for the first time.

The trouble is, I don't have a good fake.  My fake is really super fake.   I think it might be because I have a face that isn't very elastic.

It takes a lot effort for me to smile and holy shit, laughing is really tough, so something has to really really make me want to do it, something REAL, like something or someone I really enjoy or something that is REALLY funny. A while back, when an internet person labeled this condition  "bitchy resting face" I made a real effort not to allow my face to rest at all.  I tried  to change its default to a smiley face that, strangely enough, reminded me of Joan Rivers fifteenth face lift.

So that's why I gave up the fake. 

Besides, I figure only about four percent of the population really wants to participate in any of this  holiday shit anyway and of this 4 percent, many were in no condition to take the survey.  So why play the game?  Just be real.  That's my motto.


Ok, no.   That's not my motto at all, really.  whatever.

And then there are "Those People" the ones who really, really, really, love the holidays, the ones who can't wait for the after Christmas sales, browse through Christmas shops in the summer, collect Sears Christmas Catalogs,  and play holiday music all year long.  Of course, they probably almost certainly had magical childhoods with 1960's family television Christmas mornings, where they got all the toys they asked Santa for and these toys looked and worked exactly like they did on television,  and never have to be returned to the store and never seen from again because Mom used the credit for a new purse, because she didn't realize that even little kids have amazing memories, a fact which she may come to realize someday when they are old enough to write a memoir.

But I'm not bitter.  I am really really really happy for all of you. 

 So, anyway, my point is,  if I were to say "It's that time of year," you would certainly not have to be psychic to know that I am inferring that it is a BAD time of year or at least a little uncomfortable,  and most of this has to do with the fact that it is The Holiday Where You Have to Be Nice To People You Don't Like And More Than Likely They Do Not Like You Which Doesn't Upset You At All Because (start again at the beginning of this sentence.)  (*see author's note.)

Yeah.  That holiday.


*Author's Note:  This rule does not apply to my friend, Christine, who doesn't abide by this Be Nice Rule, likely due to an early life alien abduction in which her Be Nice Rules were surgically removed from her brain.   Lucky bitch.


  1. Oh the probing was so worth it!!!!! Isn't that where we met?

    1. Maybe, but you know, they brainwashed me. It's just as well, really


Please attach soul and sign in blood. Thank you, The Management