Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Last Night I Hid My Wine From Dr. Phil

I spent the night with Dr. Phil.  No, no, no, Filthy McDirtymind, not that way.

I spent last night dreaming about Dr. Phil.  I didn't mean to, or even want to, but there he was in every dream, like a know-it-all uncle who comes to visit too-many-times a year. In this dream, Dr. Phil was pretty bossy and he had a lot of rules, and he started every sentence with the word "Now." "Now I know you think you're getting away with something, but I have to tell you, I will find out eventually."  "Now I hear what you're saying but I think you are not telling us everything." "Now, I want to know right now if someone has, in their possession, any glass."

 I was in some live-in-school and he was getting pretty upset about finding glass, and he wanted to know if anyone "had anything made of glass."  Course, I was hiding a wine glass that once was full, but at that point I had only a little of the lovely (and extremely necessary considering the circumstances) liquid left, but you know, I didn't think that counted.  Sure it was glass, but (a) I was still in possession of it and (b) I/it wasn't hurting or threatening to hurt anyone, so I figured I was off the hook. I also argued to myself that if I had to live at a school monitored by a really bossy Dr. Phil all night,  wine was definitely mandatory, even if I had to switch to a plastic cup in order to abide by some weird dream rule.

I think this dream was prompted by his show yesterday, in which the guest, after listening to Dr. Phil read copies of some pretty nasty emails she sent, decided to defend herself by blaming them on "drunk Tweeting" and "drunk Facebooking."

Hey - um wait.  WHAT?  You mean that is a legit excuse?  AWESOME!!!  Don't get me wrong, I have always been a fan of both these fabulously hysterical and brilliant activities, but I didn't realize they could be this valuable. I mean, the possibilities are endless.  Didn't meet the work deadline?  Sorry, I was busy drunk tweeting.  Forgot your dentist appointment?  Oh, damn.  I was drunk-facebooking again. Can I reschedule?  Ran off with a stranger to a tropical island by mistake?  DAMN YOU DRUNK GOOGLE PLUSSING. (see this is why Google + isn't popular - you just cannot turn it into a verb no matter how hard you try or how drunk you get.  Scratch that.  DAMN YOU DRUNK TEXTING!! There, better.  WARNING:  This last one could end up being expensive.

Anyway, yesterday I laughed and laughed while watching The Dr. Phil Show because this woman, MAN was she full of shit!  Like, really honey, you need a class in lying.  The best part was the way in which she delivered these excuses about the drunken emails. She listened intently as the emails were read by Dr. Phil, looking all serious-like and then after, she laughed, completely relieved as she delivered..."OOOhhhhhhh (laugh) Dr. Phil, I had been drunk facebooking!!  I was drunk, Dr. Phil, that's all!  Hahahahahahaha!!!!!"

I mean, I don't know about you guys, but the last thing I ever admit to is being drunk.  I can't tell you how many times in my life I have slurred the words    I.  Am.  Not.  Drunk.    Seriously.  I had no idea that denial is no longer necessary and in fact it has now become a really good thing to be drunk, (as long as you combine it with a social media activity)  just in case you need a foolproof excuse later on.    Man, I love human and technological evolution!

You know what, though?  That Dr. Phil, he never looses his cool. I mean, I've seen him come close and of course, they may have had to do some editing once in a while,  but he's - well he's like the Phil Donahue of modern daytime programming.   You know, all classy and in control of the situation, never letting any crazy audience members in, and because he is a psychologist, he knows how to keep the crazy guests from going crazy on air.  But what I am anticipating worrying about, though,  is what comes next.  Remember after Phil, there was Jerry Springer, so what will the anti Dr. Phil be like?

*edges of this post get fuzzy and blurry to suggest that you are stepping into my imagination* SEE DISCLAMER BELOW*   I can just see the next generation of Dr. Phil like shows, starring a host with a name like Dr. Segalowitz, who looks like someone who may have once been cast in a minor role in a Mel Brooks film.  His job, unlike Dr. Phil, will not be to get to the root of a situation but to escalate a perfectly normal life problem in to a full blown psychotic incident in front of a studio audience of obviously shocked and perversely entertained people.   Instead of getting to the root of the problem, Dr. Segalowitz will use his brilliant and trademarked method of suggestion to turn small upsets into crisis, conclude that raging maniac husbands are normal and that men from Nigera who ask women online for money really are in love with them.  The audience will be much more involved in this show, yelling and screaming and booing and throwing things, and people at home will be encouraged to drunk tweet and text and all of these comments will be shown to the people in the audience and those watching the show.  

Man, that's going to be awesome someday.

*DISCLAIMER:  The author takes no responsibility whatsoever for those who voluntarily wander into the recesses of her mind.  It's scary in there people. You've been warned.


  1. Thanks for writing about this...I too watched Dr. Phil yesterday. That women was crazy!!! I can't believe I haven't allowed myself to use my drunken state as a perfectly legit excuse for my bad behaviour!! Thanks you crazy lady (not you the one on Dr Phil)

    1. You're welcome...oh wait, not me. Ok. Yeah. She IS REALLY crazy!! And she was so busted too. Awesome show.

      From now on, you and I are never going to explain or apologize for anything ever again. We will just laugh and say "Hey! I was drunk facebooking!!! SORRY!! Nothing to see here!!"


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