Monday, February 10, 2014

If You Don't Know How to Do it, I'll Show You How To Walk The Dog

Look.  This isn't the first time I've lived in a small town.  I was born in a small town, just like John Mellencamp (formerly Cougar for some reason) and so, you know, I get it.

But what I am not currently getting is this whole dog walking thing.  See, in the city, folks walk their dogs because let's face it, city dogs are already not living in the way they were not meant to live.  Most spend their days all cooped up in a small apartment, then forced to wear embarrassing human clothes in public and get stuffed into purses, so why not  just accept the fact that we have robbed them forever of their true nature just to turn them into Pagent Pups,  limiting their freedom and exercise to three or four walks on a leash a day, in which poop is scooped up in a plastic bag and disposed of in a public tax payer supported public disposal container?  Right, why the hell not?  Hey, it's the way things are now.  Embrace the insanity.

But if you live in a small town in the country, a place with nothing but land and fields and grass and ocean and sand and well, nature, a place where most people live in houses, or in apartments inside houses and these houses have yards with grass, the perfect place for dogs to do their duty, then why in the world do so many people walk their dogs instead of letting them run around (on a lead or not if they are street smart) in their own yards?

Why? I'll tell you why. They don't want to pick up the poop.

I watch people walk up and down the street everyday with their dogs and stop to let them poop and pee in other people's yards.  And I have seen exactly one person in almost three years actually pick up the poop.  One.  So you may now stop wondering why my yard, the yard belonging to a family without a dog, looks like a "spring garden mix" salad.  How good do you think dog pee is for a lawn?  It's not good at all, as a matter of fact, and according to this SITE there are three reasons that dog urine burns grass, but honestly it's just such a boring topic I'm not even going to continue down this road because if you are the type that likes this stuff, well then rock on, go to the link and get happy, but I am just going to mention one very interesting tidbit from that site and it's this.  Apparently female dog urine is even more toxic,  (1)  which explains why witches used their urine in those bottles people find inside the walls of old houses in England. Course other things are found inside these bottles too but that's another story for another day, perhaps on a day in which you feel the need to get revenge on some bitch at work.

But for now, let's get back to doggy do-do.

Anyway, I watched this guy walk up the street the other day with his dog and he didn't even pretend to be blind to the fact that his dog was peeing on the neighbor's lawn.  You know most people at least pretend they don't see it happening.  They just sort of leisurely stop at the border of the lawn and pretend to talk on the cell phone or something while their dogs deposit enormous shits  dispose of their waste on the nice clean green lawn.  But this guy?  Yeah. No, this guy didn't even do that.  He boldly walked the dog right up to the house where some shrubs were.  Yeah, he let the dog piss on the shrubs, while he watched and I'd bet you fifty dollars that his dog is female, spraying the worst possible kind of poisonous magic potion all over the place. And now that this place is marked as hers, she will make this a daily habit.  Yep, that's right.  That bitch OWNS that yard now.

I felt like I should do something but, you know, I didn't.  See in small towns, no one has any balls and yes, that includes me.  People here never come right out with anything, like "Hey, maybe you should stop pretending you don't see watching your dog shitting all over some other person's lawn and pick up that mess before you end up in a bottle of urine!"  No, they just do things like give you a "look" or give the "look" and then whisper something to their friend, or say "HI! HOW ARE YOU! " to your friend or your husband, and then look at you and say "Hi." with an expression similar to one they'd sport if they just ate poop left on the lawn by a stranger's dog.

So, well, in my defense (the worlds most pointless activity) I did do one thing.   I stared at him. Sorry, it's all I got.  Of course, it had no effect whatsoever, because these guys are good at pretending to be blind to just about everything, so me staring at him will obviously matter little as (a) well it's me, and I'm so damned terrifying, right?  (b) according to him, there's nothing to stare at, just "walkin' the dog." (c) Um. never mind.  So I said some swear words and walked away, all Xena, Warrior Princess-like, because I am a bad ass.

And that's why yesterday I took the curtains down.

 I pretended it was to let more light in, argued that it would help with my Personality Seasonal Affective Disorder but really it's because I have decided that it's time to get involved in my community.  I'm going to make a difference.  I'm going to do whatever that stuff is that they promote on those community outreach commercials.  It's time to stop turning a blind eye to these issues and be proud of who I am -   Princess(Cougar) Stupidhead Official Dog Shit Monitor.

And as God is my witness, I will make a difference, without force or violence, armed with nothing more than my evil stare.

(1) Why does that make me feel proud and somewhat amazingly awesome?

How Do You Feel About Dog Poop on Your Lawn?
I haven't been able to sleep for months, just worrying about this.
It's fabulous! Can't get enough of this stuff.
My dog's poop is precious. Other dog's poop is a vile substance created by Satan.
It's like far out, man - organic fertilizer. It's natural, you know, like weed.
Scripture tells us that on judgement day, dogs will take over the earth, female dog piss will rain from the heavens, and dog shits will become sacred relics.
Poll Maker


  1. Oo this is a pet peeve of mine! I hate finding dog crap in my yard when I don't even have a dog! I wish people would clean up after their pets.

    1. I bet their yard is clean as a whistle!! Maybe you should rent a pet for a day and even the score. ?

  2. I hate to admit it but my Shannon or as you refer to her.... "Lady Shannon of The Isle of Wails"... may contribute to half of the poop in Lunenburg...but in my defense half the people in Lunenburg feed her so I feel that evens out???

  3. I have never seen a Shanny poop. She's a lady. Oh wait, once I did but that was because she thought (rightfully so) that the big sand/stone boxy thing that is now my "wood pile" was a gigantic litter box. Now she won't go near it because, you know, who would if they didn't have to, right? Yeah, she's a smart lady. PS: I/they feed her because she has control over our minds and we can't afford deprogramming.


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