I am not funny in person.
Yes, it's true. I am, you know, like all those actors out there who are great on the screen but lose all their "character" when interviewed. Yep. That's me. Only poorer and my clothes aren't designed for me by people who understand design. Yeah, I know, that part is hard to believe.
One day, I said to my friend, Francesca, "Hey, you know what? I started writing in a blog that I used to write in a couple of years ago." And that's when I knew she was going to discover that I'm a fraud. I thought. It's ok. It's about time she knew me, that real me, the one that frightens little children and most pets. Sure enough, she read my blog and said something like "Oh your blog is hilarious, and well, I thought I knew you, right ? but..."
Yep. Just say it. I'm not funny in person. I mean I can be, I guess, it's just not that easy. My type of humor requires things like time and space, patience and acceptance, courtesy and appreciation, spell-check and font choices, and seemingly normal photographs that I can add captions to. There isn't a lot of this kind of thing available in an ordinary day in my life.
I mean how can I expect to get a full run on sentence the length of a chapter into a typical conversation, especially with the way most people cut you off these days, our attention spans completely ruined by years of television and text messages? Yeah I can't, so there goes that comedy method. And you know, when you talk to others in real life, you kind of have to use real names. I mean, others will demand it at some point because, in real life, what good is a story if you can't pass it on, and in real life, a story passed on has to include real names otherwise others look at you with that I have no idea why you're telling me this look, followed by the ever snarky and also dismissive, "Um.....ok."
And while a story featuring my one oversized boob may cause some of my readers to laugh, I say hopefully, it's not really a story you can just deliver without a set up. And I'm not sure what situation would prompt such a set up unless you happen to be in a lingerie shop and really - have you seen the women who run those places? Yeah, those bitches are real cut-ups, lemme tell ya.
Yeah, so no.
Now, here's where it gets really complicated. Since I don't got out of my way to be funny in person, I - well - I haven't been funny in person. So if I decide to start now it will take people by surprise and they won't know how to react. It will be one of those hesitant moments, the worst kind, where time stands still, the universe holds its breath and people behind you in line at the supermarket start getting pissed off.
I've tried it before, usually after I have allowed for the mandatory introduction period to play out, when you don't really know someone very well yet, so you do a lot of smiling and listening and most of your humor lives in your head and will likely become the stuff of the blog posts of Christmas future. Anyway, you don't display your true self then - no one does - and that is why I am not described as funny. Yes, Hey, have you met Princess Stupidhead yet? She is hysterical. Really. You really have to meet her! were the sentences never said, is all I'm sayin. So then you get all comfortable and decide that you will loosen up a bit at the next get together and be yourself.
This is one of the the decisions that will later be placed in a file labeled (surprisingly) Decisions, inside the subfile "Not the Best Ones." You see, most people decide who you are the first time they meet you, and any attempts to show them more of your true self will cause them to suspect or probably decide that you are a show off, phony, drunk, or on too much prescription medications. You will know which one they have decided on based on facial expressions and gestures that clearly point to one or several possibilities. These include, but are not limited to :
- Nervous shifting in his/her seat
- Raising of both or just one eyebrow
- Clearing of the throat
- Nervous laughter
- Eye Rolling (my favorite)
- A Statement of Fact such as "Oh you're funny."
- Sound Advice such as "You should do stand up."
- Yawning and then excusing his/herself
- Checking the time
- Changing the subject to something like Child Molestation or Taxes
- Changing the subject to something in which your nationality/ country of origin/profession (or lack of) will be badmouthed or ridiculed (while we're being funny, right?)
- The sudden serving of dessert and coffee.
Written without laughing once,