Wednesday, February 5, 2014

If Men Need Excuses, At Least Give Them Good Ones.

I got an email from my husband a few minutes ago, because he's too chicken-shit to tell me this in person way across the driveway in the "garage" working and isn't able to talk to me in person and apparently can't find his can with the string thingie.  He confessed to me in this email that he had been bad.

Now being bad after a few years of marriage doesn't usually mean the same thing it might mean early on in the relationship. Nope. It's usually code for spending money on something that isn't a real need, but more of a wanna.  So I went to the website he conveniently left me the link for and checked out what else, amongst the many things he's going to burn in hell's inferno for, he had done.

Now, ok,  really,  this site is sheer genius.  You see, the advertising team really knows their market - men between the age of 25 and 65, who are in the music business and whose wives cut coupons, hoard, pour over sale flyers,  reuse yogurt containers and glass jars, wear underwear and socks with holes in them (small ones)  and occasionally consider offering sexual favors in exchange for a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for ice cream. What are you looking at?  Not just any ice cream - Haagen-Dazs, people. Geez.  I can't believe you would think.....never mind. Anyway, you get the idea.  Wives who scrimp and save while their husbands spend money -  on WORK STUFF otherwise known as quasi-needs.  

Now the excuse (I need it for work)  may not be good enough for some wives, or even me for that matter, so the website is full of better excuses, the kind that tug at heartstrings and hint at past tragedies and deep psychological issues, traumas and childhood issues, I mean, stuff  Dr. Phil can't make up  and get this - they cleverly disguise these "excuses" as product endorsements.  I know I know.  Brilliant bastards.

 Since I spent most of my life reversing sound and textures, this instrument feels like it was kind of built for me and my strange musical preferences.

Wife's expected response:  Oh honey, you 're not strange at all.  Who said you were strange?  You are just more creative than most people and everyone knows that creative people just see the world differently.  Maybe you should have this instrument. Maybe you need it.  I mean, maybe this purchase will solve your low self esteem problem once and for all!!

Wife's Real Response:  Hell No.  I'm reusing tampons here, and you think you're strange?

Enables me to quickly and creatively enhance the music I produce, an incredibly useful tool to add to my canvas of ideas.

Wife's expected response:  Oh if it is a "tool" and it is added to your canvas, then it must be something you really really need and also?  It might even be a tax deduction.   Maybe you should buy two?

Wife's Real Response: I have a canvas of ideas too and most involve a rich black lover and a deserted tropical beach.

Anyway, I'm sure this is one kick ass whatever it is, and you know, I just wish the advertisers didn't still believe that wives are shrews who call all the shots, who are just waiting for a chance to chase their husbands around with broomsticks or beat them over the head with  frying pans (which wouldn't even hurt now because frying pans are all made in china and weigh a total of 1/2 lb. tops, and besides, the handle would snap off upon impact THIS IS A PROVEN FACT), just because their husbands spent the paycheck at the bar again,  bought something that wasn't a true necessity.  C'mon, we've changed.  Hell, we've evolved, man.  Wives are nicer now!  You don't need to give these guys excuses, anymore.  They can buy things now.    Why my husband even has his own credit card and bank account! And  I allow him to play golf twice a year!

But, marketing guys,  I understand that you have a product that you want to market effectively.  Got it.  So here are my suggestions for effective "product endorsements." keeping the "modern woman" in mind.

"Wow, since I purchased this tool I have increased my income by $100, 000 dollars last year! My wife just loves her new car!"

"I don't know why, but since I've been using your product, I never forget to put my dirty clothes in the hamper anymore!" 

"Wow, not only are my sounds better, but I am a gourmet cook now. I LOVE making dinner!!  

"I work so effectively now that I have more time off to do the things we love like shoe shopping and hunting through arts and crafts shops for hours on long weekend afternoons.  We've even made plans to visit her family for a couple of weeks.  I could never do that before!"

"I bought your product around the same time I became hooked on Jennifer Aniston movies.  Coincidence?  I think not!! PS:  Have you seen "Marley and Me? You MUST. "

So, honey if you're reading this. you go right ahead and buy those whatchamacallits because I know it's important to you and your strange preferences....  xoxoxoxox.  PS:  I downloaded all the old "Friends" episodes. 


  1. That ones worth 5k , that one 7k. Sorry hun i dont grasp rusty shit , its just rusty shit cluttering up my yard because I dont have testicles .

  2. I don't grasp it either, but then, they don't call me stupidhead for nothin.

  3. I'm going to laughing for hours from this! I've got to tell a couple of my friends to follow you. Not to worry - there's nobody strange, but they'll get ALL of your sentiments!!! LOL

    1. Fantastic!! Thank you and welcome to all the newbies!


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