Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Hey It's Ok If I Have To Trade My Body For Fire

Today I had a date with a woodpile.  No, not him.  This kind of woodpile.

Oh, did you think that was my woodpile?  Ohmy, thank you for your support.  No, this is Google's woodpile.

This one is all mine, baby.  Glance at it and weep.  I know I have,  and more than once.

Note the touch of blue contrasting with the fresh crisp white snow, and the addition of the woodsy brown that adds just hint of country. A mix of rustic simplicity and sleek city dsyfunctionality, a kind of City vs. Nature that makes you wonder who will win in the end.  Yeah. You know it.   See all those "hills" of snow?  Underneath is about 1.5 cords of wood, just waiting to be freed from about three inches of ice, and two inches of snow and guess what?  More snow on the way.  Good thing I have perfected my patented Hammer of Hell Log Release Method. ©™

This, my friends,  is how Princess Stupidhead and Sir Dave Live on The Land.  Yeah, the banjo playin' whiskey drinkin' sock darnin' way, just like our Granpaws and Granmaws.  You know it -  hog livin' is the life for me!

And HEY you know what ?   IT'S OKAY!!!  Over at Airing My Dirty Laundry, it's "Hey it's ok Tuesday" so it's now officially ok to have a really crappy wood pile that screams We don't know how to stack wood because it's our first time with a wood stove and these kids who were supposed to come stack the wood never called or showed up so I had to spend a whole day stacking and I had a really sore everything after and besides who can see it anyway because it's covered with snow and that butt ugly tarp which you can put silver or blue side up but both choices suck so who cares.  It's ok.  Really I mean it.  Everything is going to be fine.

And you know what else is ok?  Hey, It's ok that I'm a hoarder.  You know why?  Because it is necessary for survival, that's why.  In this town there is often limited supplies, not to mention that I am not the only one with a Zombie Apocalypse Storage Area in my basement  (ZASA, like NASA, only scarier because of the zombies and because it's in my basement.)

Yes, around here, many people hoard store food, especially if it's on sale, or if it's pizza crust. No lie, once there was not a single pizza crust in town. I considered using tortillas but I was too resentful, vengeful and outraged to settle.  It just takes one pizza party, is all I'm saying and your intimate little pizza for two night is cancelled, just like that. And also?   I do know absolutely for almost a fact that "someone" has a basement full of canned black beans, all purchased at a discount, leaving me an empty shelf with one dented can,  and I just hope that person gets really really sick of eating black beans when the Zombie Apocalypse comes because I am not trading with him for anything of mine, even the stuff I hate. And if he forgot to put a can opener in his ZASA, well, he better not come crying to me, especially if it's a Tuesday because then it will be absolutely OK to say NO, and even more ok to add a very evil laugh.

So, hey it's ok that I hoarded fire starters today because I can't start a fire for shit most of the time - I mean does that wood pile look like it belongs to an expert in combustible substance handling?  No.  It does not and I'm not afraid to admit it.  Hey, it's ok.  But it's because I'm sadly lacking in these skills that I will have to trade my body for fire during The Last Days, so they better come rather soon because otherwise no one will be willing to make that deal, although, the choices in available you-know-what  will be limited, so hey, maybe it will end up being ok even if everything is all saggy and droopy and in the wrong place and all.  

Still, maybe I should get a little better with fire, just in case.


  1. It's okay, I hoard some stuff too. I have cans of stuff as well. So if the world does go nuts, well, we'll be okay for a bit..

    1. Oh, good, but just lock it up tight, man cuz I'm telling you, some people will kill you for a can of beans.

  2. I had to stop by because of your blog header!!! Love it! If I had a wood pile I'm pretty sure it would also look terrible, so don't feel bad. :) Also, tortillas for pizza crust? No dice. Gotta have the real thing :)

    1. Thank you!

      You know, really it's hard to make a wood pile look pretty. Mine looks particularly bad, though, I'll admit. Oh yeah, tortillas - well that won't due. Guess I'll have to hoard the real thing.

  3. Lucky girl...the sheer luxury of a wood pile im so envious , but envys a sin ? im trying to be good being as the end is near...its not going well

  4. Kate, don't hate me because my wood pile is beautiful. Oh, wait, you didn't say that. Oh how kind of you to be envious of simply the fact I HAVE a woodpile. See? Now you've really made me stop and count my abundances as simple as they may be, so you now won't go to hell because you have made me a better person!!


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