Monday, November 9, 2009

We Walked the Wrong Way in Ikea so JD Doesn't Have To

JD has done plenty for us. Over the years, she's saved me from having to do lots of things I never want to do, including eating cat puke. So, I thought Dave and I should do something for her (and for all of you guys), so we walked the wrong way in Ikea and incidentally? We got just as many horrified looks while walking the wrong way in Ikea as we would have if we'd had eaten cat puke. Just imagine the looks that eating cat puke while walking the wrong way in Ikea would have prompted! But since both the cat puke eating and backwards Ikea walking has already be done there is no need to try the combo.

Oh, did I say we went to Ikea?

Yes, after all that on and on and on and on about how much we hate Ikea and Sven and things that are assemble yourself and smaller than the standard for just about anything, we went there again. This time to get a coat rack (which I call a hall tree but I get funny looks when I do that - nothing like backwards Ikea walking looks but close) and a bench for the hall because we get tired while walking down the hall and need a place to rest a while I like to decorate a place until one cannot possibly find a blank or empty spot anywhere. Oh, and I got candlesticks, again, government issued by Sven himself. I swear.

This time, however, we did not fall prey to the classic Ikea tricks like walking around trying to find things ourselves, or thinking that there is an aisle higher than 38. We even resisted the grey meatballs! I did, however almost buy a puppet. It was a smaller Sven version of Lambchop. It looked kind of beaten down from all the rules and regulations I'm sure Sven imposes on puppet behavior. We even came equipped with a car big enough to put the heavy boxes in, thanks to the man who took over our car lease a couple of weeks ago and great invention called Zip Cars.

And finally we didn't even once say "We're never coming here again," which is the rated G for all audiences version of what we really say which is "We're never fucking ever fucking coming to this fucking store again so help me fucking Jesus," - because you and I and Sven and the whole People's Republic of Ikea knows we so are. (NOTE: Sign below says "HEJ DA! That's how we say Goodbye in Swedish. Thanks for coming. See You Soon." See? Sven knows we'll be back. He's not worried.)

But remember, guys - you may eat the meatballs or forget to bring bags so you'll have to buy those blue bags that are so huge they can be recycled by using them in your next balloon boy prank, you may even buy a puppet and swear loudly about never ever going to Ikea again, but because we walked backwards there this weekend, you don't have to.

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHA!

    Thanks so much for doing this so I don't have to. The last (and only) time I was in an IKEA, I was sick. We weren't sure what we were looking for, and we just wandered aimlessly (but never backwards). It was horrifying. I didn't even have any of the gray meatballs.


Please attach soul and sign in blood. Thank you, The Management