Wednesday, February 4, 2015

We are all talking about snow because it's in our face - literally

This is the time of year when we all state the obvious and resort to talk of weather.  Yes, some people call this the most wonderful time of the year but then, some people also enjoy vaginal steaming, so go figure.

I took my hammer out to the woodpile today.  (insert banjo music.)  I had to pound the frozen  pieces of wood apart from each other where they were clinging for dear life.  Now, this takes a bit of expert engineering bad ass fury, so naturally I'm your gal.  For those of you who do not have, but wish that you did have a fireplace/woodstove, please remember that it's not all glamor.  In fact, there is not one shred of glamor involved,  only near frostbite, sore muscles and bad, bad, very bad, hat head.  And also?  You will notice an increase in the use of foul language simply because wood won't respect you if you say nice things to it.  Naughty words, threats and eventually begging, crying and satanic curses are all the stuff that comes with being a fire master. Not to mention,  occasionally,  an embarrassing rash. No. Wait.  That was from something else.

Take my advice.  Move to somewhere warm, or even hot instead.  Or watch the fireplace channel.  (Rub your hands together while you do, and I swear to God you will feel heat.)  After a glass or two of wine you will smell wood burning.  And after a few more glasses you will not have to worry that you will burn the house down.

A few minutes ago I saw the little plow go by, the one especially designed to plow  the sidewalks , the sidewalks that have a shitload of snow on them and have for several days.  I'm sure there are at least 2 or 3 old people buried underneath and frozen solid.  You know those old folks and their schedules.  There is nothing that will stop them from keeping their schedules.  Not even a SnowCano.

Statistics regarding how many old people actually die each year from schedule-related accidents or illnesses are well documented and even more well hidden (likely in the same place the alien abduction secrets are)  because if word got out, and the government decided to take away their schedules for safety reasons,  or any number of all the other perfectly good reasons to take their schedules away, god knows what those old geezers would do.  Something involving hostages, brutality, bestiality and checker addiction, for sure. Or worse. Maybe this would prompt illegal underground scheduled and repetitive events and underground transportation services to get the old folks to these events.  This may not seem that criminal but if you think that this is harmless, you obviously have not seen the underground bingo dens, the Parcheesi Whores, and the too numerous to count elderly folks who end up in rehab due to Tim Horton's Coffee Addiction.  This is what happens when old folks get bored.  They go bad, really really bad. I'm not kidding, I've seen some of them resort to endless games of Pong.  One even died from break dancing at the local mall.  (while the rest of them cheered him on.)

Shameful, this. And sad, of course, terribly sad.

So. Where was I?  Oh yes, donations.  To find out how you help, go to www.OldPeopleWithout SchedulesAreLikelyTo GoMadAndMaybeEvenTake PrisonersAnd ForceThemToWatch Re-runsOfOldPeopleTVShowsFromThe60'sand70'sEveryDayatThe ExactSameTime. com

Thanks for your anticipated support.


  1. OMG! !!! Almost reminds me of the South Park episode of the old people going to the early bird buffet! "Get off the streets!!!!" D.G. L

    1. Really? I haven't seen that one! No, really, I haven't. And "get off the streets" is something I dream about but being mature and realistic, I know that will never come to pass.

      And yet, I do have a bunch of black candles somewhere...........

  2. Thanks, I needed a serious laugh - my schedule is screwed because I pulled a muscle. Not that I do as much as old people - but I need my Cheerwine.

    1. Sorry about your injury, but don't forget to use it to your advantage. Old people have this knocked. Bags will be carried, doors will be held, maybe you can even get someone to do manual labor of some sort. I see this kind of thing every day. It's pure brilliance, I tell you.


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