I have a cold.
So I would like to take advantage of this moment to offer, for your reading pleasure, an account of my experiences otherwise known as
THE FIVE STAGES OF MY COLD.
1. Denial. This stage includes blaming symptoms on things like allergies, stress, imagination, PMS or a need for attention.
2. Melt down. I cry when I'm sick and not just because I'm sick but because elephants are endangered, my Grandmother died (in 2004,) we are out of orange juice, someone killed John Lennon , and my kid won't answer my texts.
3. Drug Dependency - Cold and Sinus Pills, Flu Formula,, Devil-Be-Gone, Ebola Relief - you name it, I'll take it, while sobbing and blowing my nose repeatedly.
4. The Bitch Stage. Ok, this is a sure sign that I am on the mend. The sadness turns to rage, impatience or downright Life Intolerance. Yesterday I moved from stage 3 to stage 4 while on the way to the Supermarket, about the worst place one can be when experiencing Stage 4 Cold related Life Intolerance.
At one point I heard myself say "Dave, pass me one of those plastic bags because I'm not putting my uncovered lettuce on the seat of the cart where some kid's ass has been." I know that doesn't sound very shocking to most people, but around here, saying something that foreign can stop time, trigger human extinction, or at the very least cause people to scream and flee the building or freeze on the spot and watch as you are removed by security. But that didn't happen probably because of the way I looked - sick and very angry. Not even Security would want to get close to that.
You see, I had been in the store exactly 2.3 minutes and already I was pissed off because
1. a woman came too near me and completely blocked me with her nearly empty cart.
2. I noticed that there were no plastic bags for the produce and
3. all the tags on the produce that tell you where it comes from were removed.
4. Conveniently the usually most expensive juice did not have a price on it requiring a "price check" otherwise known as you-are-never-going-to-get-out-of -this-place.....never! .....ever!
Regarding incident number 3 - The other day, while shopping at this same store, there were tags on all the tomatoes and all of them said "Country of Origin - Mexico. I also noticed that no one was touching them and they were looking a little soft. So why not just replace the Mexican tomatoes with newer, firmer Mexican tomatoes, but remove the tags, and put one lonely tag on one tomato that claims it came from the United States. Yeah. I was sick, I'm a bitch and was not in my right mind, but I recognize a mexican influence when I seen it, even it it's influencing a vegetable. (The bright colors are a dead giveaway.)
To be honest, I had transitioned into the Bitch Stage of my cold before the supermarket incident. It was in the health food store that I began to freak out just a little bit because the salt lamp I was trying to buy was losing all it's stones and they were landing on the floor and likely losing all their magic and the woman there obviously didn't need to be sick to be a bitch. She was one of those quiet bitches. She was completely neutral in the I don't give a shit way. But I bought the lamp anyway because obviously this cold was making me desperate.
5. The Hallucination Stage- This stage is Far out, Man, (unless it's a bad trip.)
Back at the supermarket, I transitioned (seamlessly) into the hallucination stage, a 60's favorite. In the checkout line, the woman behind me forgot to get something and asked me to watch her cart. I gave her the shifty eye thing, where your head stays still but your eyes move slowly towards her. Then I looked down at her cart, expecting to see maybe her purse or a kid, or some Oak Island treasure or something, but no. Nothing in there but food. Now I knew for SURE that none of this was real (because, really who asks someone to watch food that isn't paid for, isn't in short supply or on sale this week?) and so I giggled a little and then I said, rather slowly
"Um.....yeah, cool. No problem." and watched as she floated away.