Tuesday, December 16, 2014

...yesterday I became a magnet...

Yesterday, I really shouldn't have left the house, because if I hadn't I wouldn't have discovered that I am magnetic.

I think it may have started with the  Himalayan salt lamps.

You see, I received a Himalayan salt lamp as a gift a while back.  If you don't know what these lamps are or why one would want one, I will tell you the legend, or the science, depending on what side of the very unsteady fence you're on.

These Salt crystal lamps are natural ion generators, emitting negative ions into the atmosphere and we want that because this does something that results in good stuff for us, because it fights the positive ions that our electronic devices put out.  And this is one of the few times in life a negative result is preferable, ( another would be the results of an STD test.) Apparently  positive ions are to blame for all of our less than positive feelings and behaviors, (*see author's note) so that pretty much justifies their existence in my book, but some people think differently than I do and honestly I just can't speak to that.  I haven't even had one full cup of coffee yet.

So after we lived with one salt lamp for a while, we did what people like us tend to do which is to assume that having more of something would be even better, so we poured another glass of wine and ordered another lamp online as well as some other stuff which I believe might have included a "Keep Calm" tee shirt, but I'll tell you for sure when  the UPS man arrives with the backorder.

After we set up the second salt lamp we started to really notice a difference.  We began sleeping better, for starters, I lost 2 lbs, my aura changed color, and I found all the matches to my socks.  But nothing could have prepared me for what was to be the most awkward benefit side effect yet .  
 I became magnetic.

I first noticed it in the Supermarket, the place where the weird shit happens.  As I was strolling down the aisles I felt the strange presence of camouflage.  Yep you guessed it, someone nearby was under the influence of Duck Dynasty.  It was a man wearing a jacket made popular by this piece of shit television reality show, but judging by the way he wore it so well (and by the smell)  I had no doubt I was in the presence of Real Live Redneck. So I turned up my nose slightly and continued searching for the cornflakes.

I was careful not to give him any attention, no direct eye contact, as I discreetly made the sign of the cross - in front of the ammonia in the cleaning supply aisle - by pretending to have an itch on my forehead, adjusting my shirt around the stomach area, and finally adjusting the shoulders of the shirt, one by one, left to right.  Still, he kept following me.  He appeared at each stop I made, at the canned green beans, the coffee cream, the frozen foods.  I finished my shopping as soon as I could, madly drove home, and leaving all the food in the car,  ran into the house to warm my hands over the pink glow of the salt lamp before pretending to spread the negative ions all over me, from head to toe.

I thought this would do the trick, but I was wrong, so very very very wrong.  The next day I went to the library to return the books that you might think were the last books on earth from the way they badger you to bring them back - the death treats, the lawsuits...jeez.

Anyway, I decided to take out some more books, as the librarian on duty didn't seem the type to do a background check.  I was pleased to be the only one in the library.  Well, I was the only adult, the rest were after-school kids who gave me dirty looks when I stumbled into their love nest in non-fiction.  So I decided to stick to the fiction (hey I was young and stupid once you know)  and happily strolled along picking up books by their titles (weird ones first) until I sensed the smell presence of another.

Shit. It was Old Lady.

Now those of you who have been following my blog since it's debut, are very family with Old Lady, who is not so much a single person but a classification, perhaps a bit of a stereotype, a fourth gender, a lifestyle choice or possibly nothing but a scary legend,  Your call.   I simply refer to this group as Old Lady, because, quite frankly that says it all.

So Old Lady came into the library and looked at me as if I had invaded her space.  Then she became very interested in any shelf I was looking at.  She was, apparently either very afraid that I might get the one book that she wanted to read, or she was unable to break the magnetic pull of my negative ion- rich body.  There was plenty of room in this tiny place due to the fact that there were only six people there, including librarian, computer kid, and the hot and heavy fondling kid-couple in non-fiction, so the only thing that made any sense at all was that she was uncontrollably drawn to my magnetic pull.  My negative ions were attracting her positive ones.  And oh yeah, I believe this baby was packing quite a few positive ions.  I mean, she had Old Lady Scowl, and was wearing very very sensible shoes.

You know, I've had an interesting life.  I've survived many things that others never think or worry about at all, such as hoboism, dentedcaniosis, quitteraholism, recycle camps, obbsession with Pulling Straight Through, wardrobe malfunctions and......well a lot more stuff.  But now I'm magnetic and I am terrified, and you know what?   I can sense you pulling away from your computer like you're afraid you'll catch something or your face might get pulled towards the screen and you will have to spend the rest of your life reading one paragraph of a blog entry over and over and over and over and over and over until you sacrifice your face for your freedom.

Or something.

Whatever.  See ya tomorrow.  Cheers!

*Author's Note:  You may want to note that positive ions are put out by electronic devices which would of course include computers and so,  these ions are likely to blame for the crap written by People Who Behave Badly on Facebook, except, of course for anything written by The Warner Twins, who, trust me,  were jackasses from the day they were born.

*Author's Note #2:  In the comment below, Kate Steeper challenges my suspicion that the salt lamp is the cause of my magnetism.  She said: "

"the position of nutter magnet is not magnified by a salt lamp , you are born with the ability ...honest ...i attract Morris Dancers."
If you're like me, (I'm terribly sorry)  but also, you don't know what a Morris Dancer is.  So here you go.  You can now claim this blog site is educational, so if you're reading it while at work or school, you will not be in trouble whatsoever.


  1. the position of nutter magnet is not magnified by a salt lamp , you are born with the ability ...honest ...i attract Morris Dancers

    1. ohmygod. I had no idea what a morris dancer was so I went to youtube, and now I will be sleeping with one eye open. thanks. I'm kind of disappointed over the news about my salt lamp. I mean the damned thing is supposed to do SOMETHING special. Isn't it? Maybe it can protect AGAINST Morris Dancers. try it out. But don't forget to say the incantation: "BE GONE NUTTY MEN DANCING WITH LADIES HATS ON! or something.

  2. Oh wow - looks like the supermarket is on fire with crazies these days! I had a crazy supermarket experience yesterday. I don't even have one of those lamps, but I seem
    to be a magnet for crazy too! ;)

    1. Well, I think you should stay away from the lamps, then. God knows what would happen if you added the negative ions to the mix!! What I do know, however is that it is not US. It's THEM. For sure.


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