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Saturday, February 15, 2014

It's Not You, It's Me. Alright, it is you.




We have more than one store in town.  One is hands down more expensive than the other, smaller one.  For me, and for many people who live here, that fact is enough to win us over.  I also like the feel of the smaller store, the kind of time warp thing that makes you believe in - well things that we no longer believe in,  a simpler less fucked up time long ago when women wore aprons and kids still had freckles.  Oh, and the men, I almost forgot about them.  The men had..... a few cocktails after work and a woman on the side.  (hey. are you kidding?  Kids, housework, cooking and sex?  Get real.)  Anyway, this store makes you feel all nostalgic and sepia-toned.  I'm serious, it makes you want to carry a Palm Pilot.

So, back to the store wars - word must have gotten back to the big boss, because next thing you know there is this new discount card being pushed by everyone associated with the big store.  The rules are rather vague, but somehow you save money by shopping there.  No, no, you don't get discounts or coupons or any of that long ago and far away type of marketing.  This is a modern establishment.  You get a card and this card is swiped every time you shop.  At first I thought that was it.  Easy.  Peasy.  Sneezy. Wheezy. Cheezy. It was downright Parcheesi,  I tell you.

Just like a drug dealer, the management likes to get you hooked right away, so when you sign up you automatically get like one thousand points.

ONE THOUSANDS POINTS!?!?!?   WOOPEE!?!?!?  I'm rich!  Then how come my grocery bill is still so high? 

Because, stupidhead, you have to save up points until you have enough to cash them in!! 

CASH THEM IN!?!?!!?  WOOPEE!  I LOVE CASH.  HOW DO I DO THAT?

Whoa, slow down, sister.  You have to wait until you have enough. 

How much is enough?  (this question has been asked many many, well too many times in my life.)

Twenty Thousand.  

TWENTY THOUSAND!?!!?  How many do I have?

Four Thousand.

*crickets.*  Ok. 

Don't forget to upload stuff onto your card!!

K.  What?

Just go to the web site and follow the instructions.

I fucking hate that cop out shit. Follow instructions.  Duh, really?  Yeah, ok.  Yes, master, please don't whip me.   But I did it anyway and I discovered something. You actually have to buy certain things in order to get points.    Ok, I'm going to pause until the shock wears off.  Yes, you have to buy a lot of stuff - stuff I don't buy.  Naturally.  The stuff that's probably reaching it's best before date in some warehouse somewhere in Minnesota or Manitoba or Sicily Alaska or Mayberry.

So after uploading stuff to my card, I carefully concealed it in my purse, and in doing so likely committing some consumer crime, while I continued for several weeks to engage in this pointless activity because the people and the people and the people told me to.  I bought food, handed my card to the cashier and watched as she swiped it.  The same number of points came up, time and time again. Weeks had gone by and I hadn't earned a single point.

The last time I carried the card I forgot all about it until after all my purchases were rung up.  I handed it to the cashier, sure that I could still use it.  I mean, this is a store with a website, man, where you can upload stuff online. I'm sure there's a button on the register to press when Stupid Women Who Like To Shop forget to present their card. You know, a dummy button.

"Too late," she said. 

"Too late?" I asked with a slight nervous laugh.

"Too late," she confirmed.

Indeed.

It was late. I had to take action. I had to do what I do best - what I proudly admit that I do the bestest of anyone ever in the universe.  The thing I learned to do as a wee child, when all the other kids were teasing me, or  cheating or beating me at some game or when I was cranky and needed a nap. Quit.  I am the Queen of the Quit.

Yes, once again I decided to Quit.

I went online to cancel my card.  I anticipated a problem but I found the cancel button quickly and easily.  I cancelled the card and the faub even though I don't think I had one of those but just in case this was how they tried to trick you into not being able to cancel the account.

Done.  Right?

Nope.   I received a mysterious email informing me that someone had changed my password on my account.  Really, did they now?  And also, what account?????  So I went back in, put in the password which worked very well, thank you and proceeded to cancel my account..AGAIN.  And guess what?  I couldn't find that cancel button this time, no matter where I looked.  Funny, no?

But I could find contact information, an email address to send customer questions to.  And I did because I had a lot of questions but I narrowed it down to one.  Why can't I cancel my account online anymore?

Here's the response:

Thank you for contacting us. We’re very sorry to hear that you have requested to cancel your account. Please let us know what we can do to change your mind, as we would love to have you remain a member. I kindly await your response to confirm your request to cancel your account.

So, basically what they are saying here is that they are not going to actually answer my question but that they want me to think about this rash decision I have made and hopefully forget to write back and then maybe just continue automatically handing over the card like some mind controlled idiot.  So since she was going to kindly wait, I decided not to make her wait too long before responding.

My Response:

Please honor my request to cancel my card.  I don't find that it works for me.  In my opinion, one has to earn way too many points in order to cash in, and I feel that I should be paid a bit more than that for assisting in your market research. 

Their Response (note: The tone of this one is less sad, making me believe that this will not be the bad breakup I anticipated.)

Thank you for contacting us!  We have received your recent request and are currently working on completing your request.  ARE YOU KIDDING? HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO PUSH THE CANCEL BUTTON?

We will follow up with you within 5-7 business days. Your request has been assigned the following reference number: xxxxxxx. FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS?  WTF?  WHY DO I HAVE  A NUMBER?  I DON'T WANT A NUMBER!  I WANT MY FREEDOM, FOR THE LOVE OF THE SWEET BABY JESUS!  WE ARE OVER.  WHAT PART OF THAT DO YOU NOT GET?  DON'T YOU HAVE ANY PRIDE ?  STOP BEGGING LIKE LIKE AN AGING SOAP STAR WITH TOO MANY FACELIFTS.

We are sorry to see you go and thank you for your feedback. We have submitted it to upper management for review and considerations to make improvements to the program. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact us through our Help Center

Thank you for participating in the program. I CURSE THE DAY I EVEN CONSIDERED IT.

Have a wonderful day!
FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOUR UTERUS FALLS OUT, OR DICK FALLS OFF, OR YOUR HARD DRIVE GETS A DISEASE - WHICHEVER APPLIES.

Anyway, I think we broke up this time for sure.  I'm screening my calls and keeping an eye on the rear view mirror.

4 comments:

  1. I understand Kate. I need therapy every day, sometimes even twice. I hope that this helped you until you can pick up the prescriptions that I called in for you.

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  2. They make me carry my card on my keychain...I hate that card. THIS is hysterical! Thanks for starting my morning in such spectacular fashion...carry on!

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  3. Anytime, Tanya! Oh, except when I sleep in of course. You know, those keychain ones are the worst. I once noticed one hanging from my key chain that I hadn't used in 15 years. I don't think the store was still in business!

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