There was an error in this gadget

Thursday, February 20, 2014

I'm Not Overly Concerned With Appearances, Obviously.




I've stopped caring about what I look like.   In my defense, well I don't have one, really.  It's just the way it is.  I'm working from  home.  It's Winter.  I'm out of Triscuits.

Lipstick is the extent of my glamor these days and even that is purely functional.  I only wear it when I leave the house so that people I encounter will realize that I'm the one whose voice they are hearing. Yeah, I  am lucky to have that kind of no-lip thing going on. Just call it "the natural look.  What ass came up with that style anyway?  I hate you, Gweneth Paltrow and every one of your freckles. 

I know that the majority of bloggers out there now are "mommy" bloggers and I know that many of you kind of enjoy not caring about what you wear, because maybe you think it's a temporary life option thing, and that some day soon you will go back to caring about makeup and hairstyles, jewelry and shoes and even pants that have zippers. But I'm here to tell you that you only will if you have to (as in if your boss forces you to) and if and when you have even the smallest chance to again to be home for any length of time you will be slipping right back into the stretchiest ugliest, soft and fuzziest thing you can get your hands on. Only now you won't be able to grab your baby and quickly plop her on your hip when you catch someone staring at the grease stain on your oversized t-shirt, because your baby will be  in a conference room somewhere pointing to a  Power Point presentation, wearing very nice shoes and an expensive suit. So, I advise that you always, no matter how old and despondent you get,  have a little "something dirty" nearby to blame, like a dog, a dripping fudgesical, some garden soil or someone else's kid with a gross runny nose and a smelly diaper.

And  DO NOT put your stretchy pants in the Goodwill drop off box anytime soon.  These things are made of a material never ever known  or even suggested to be natural and I'm not even sure this stuff is proven safe to touch human skin for any length of time, so, naturally they last forever. Really, there is no need to even consider that they will wear out or  that when you are all finished with them some other needy person will love them. See, even though I have personally witnessed a cheap sweater, also made from this same unreal material,  ever so slowly starting to unravel during the course of a day until whole pieces of the sweater were laying in clumps on the floor by 4 PM -  there was still technically enough left on the body to qualify as "clothing."  And the idea that anyone would really want your used Chinese sweat shop manufactured over-sized, stained, but ever so comfy clothes is ridiculous.  The people you are targeting already have plenty of this shit.  You know it, I know it , the people who monitor the Walmart hidden cameras know it.

On the upside, the newly released  La Madame de Purposeless Line,  Clothes for those who don't seem to care one bit  ©™,  is very inexpensive, extremely durable and since no one will notice if you wear the same thing four days in a row (it's been proven by a research team)  you can get by with a very small wardrobe.    Just make sure this wardrobe includes but is not limited to:

  1. Sweaters that are made of nothing at all natural.  Acrylic sweaters will stretch from your bed to the moon, eventually, which means that they will eventually fall under the blanket category, adapting easily to afternoon napping on the sofa.  And in my personal experience, these sweaters are the ultimate in revenge wear.  When your kids reach their pre-teens and still need you to pick them up at soccer or dance class, all it will take is one smart ass remark out of them and you will show up at their after school event proudly sporting a sweater than could easily accommodate seven. I find for this purpose, the addition of sensible bright white "walking shoes" are a nice touch, lending a certain "I'm Suzie's Mom!!" feel to the outfit.
  2. Slippers - high tops are preferable with some seasonal design printed on them.  Get one pair for each season.  You cannot have too many pairs of slippers. PS never ever wash them, and eventually you will be able to easily convince people that all those stories you made up about Woodstock are true.
  3. Stretchy pants, also lovingly nicknamed "The I Give Up Pants" are a must. You can call them Yoga pants if you like, but c'mon who do you think your fooling?  If you insist, at least carry a duffel bag while wearing them, although you will still not fool a single soul.  Especially if they are walking behind you.
  4.  Flannel shirts.  Nothing says I'm a mountain woman with hairy armpits that this lovely must-have.  Make sure to be seen holding some firewood once in a while.  Who says you're lazy?  You're livin' on the land.  Yep, just like you did in upstate NY that summer of '69 when you walked around naked and gave birth to a love child while squatting in a field of daisies. 
  5. Flip Flops - the entirely made of plastic kind that make the in between part of your toes bleed. Hey, I never said this was all about comfort.  You've got to pay dues if your want to wear these shoes and you know?  It don't come easy.  Nope.  It don't. It's damn hard sometimes.  Shiit.
  6. Overly long tops/blouses, designed to hide all your really ugly fat parts, but in reality only draw attention to the center of your body where the pancakes hide.   These are always worn with leggings, "yoga" pants or if you are proud as punch of your I Don't Care lifestyle, true blue sweatpants, Yeah, you go, you right in your face whatchoo gonna do about it Moma, you.
And finally, I leave you with these power statements which you should recite daily .

It's ok to be sloppy.  

There's nothing wrong with polyester.  

Makeup is full of aluminum polysoiofdiufodism #5.   

So don't let others tell you that your appearance suggests that you don't care.  Simply make sure to hang up the phone before they can. 

  

3 comments:

  1. "I hate you Gwenyth Paltrow"...bwahahahahahaha! And the Suzie's Mom outfit - I threw curlers in on that one, once, before the trip to the school! Unfortunately, the "Slanket" (or Snuggie) came out after my kid had quit playing Little League...THAT would have been fun! Happy Friday - you've made mine and it's only Thursday night!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Baltic Granny chic is my speciality,I always wear DMs , i have a bad taste leather coat, polyester pants (why would anyone wear anything else?)tops that skim my curves nah im wider than i am tall so bell tent is more like it and I really did order a hijab off ebay this week , just because it looks so warm

    ReplyDelete
  3. Tanya - whoa. Curlers. The ultimate in revenge! *high five*

    Kate: omg - a hijab. Whaat? Ok, THAT's revenge.

    ReplyDelete

Please attach soul and sign in blood. Thank you, The Management