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Friday, January 31, 2014

Introducing Lady Shannon, and My Review of the New Tim Horton's Hash Brown OR I Pitty the Foo Who Tries to Compete With The Tater Tot.


It seems like every blog author has a dog or a cat, or a gerbil, or dangerous illegal boa constrictors who get into the vents and kill people. But I don't have any pets. 

I do, however,  feed a cat.  

I can't really call her mine as this saucy feline is indeed SHE Who Will Not Be Owned, although she does have a home and a family who, in my opinion,  are way too nice to put up with her crap.  She comes to visit me every day and through the pure sinister power of her amazingly large cat brain has put me under her control, rendering me powerless against her will and her ungodly demands.  Her name is Lady Shannon of The Isle of Wails, "Shanny" for short and sometimes "You Little Shithead"and she is my Master. 

 I would write more about her, but I'm saving the stories for my upcoming book "Ten Shades of Manx, A Story of Obsession, Control, Kitty Treats, and World Neighborhood Domination." So, I offer you this simple introduction for now.  Trust me, you don't want to get anymore involved with her than this. It's just not healthy, or even safe for that matter.  You'd be facing years of deprogramming and rehab and even then you'd still panic when you heard the patter of little paws on the porch.

Now onto more exciting things.  This morning Sir Dave had to head out early to slay the beast as I have been remiss in my homemaking and we were out of  eggs, juice, coffee, cream, tequila, toilet paper, crack cocaine  food.  So he bravely waited in line at the local Tim Hortons, (look it up non-Canadians) to sample the new crispy, golden, bigger hash browns.  

He left early, just early enough to get the last four.  I know, I know.  Don't ask because we do not know why but there is always a shortage of hash browns, even if you get up at midnight and sleep in your car while parked in front of the drive through window, which due to recent Winter weather concerns, I discouraged, and instead I purchased a bag of the most wonderful almost-food ever invented, The "TATER TOT" (also known as the "TASTY TATER.")  You see, in a pinch, these little gems of the modern world can be thrown in the oven and used in place of the "You Snooze You Lose Browns."  

I found it interesting that just when I had solved the hash brown shortage problem, the new and improved T. H. hash browns were offered to the public and yes, they are crispier, golden-er and bigger, but also more Tater Totty.  Now I don't want to come off sounding like those crazy conspiracy theorists or anything, but coincidentally,  there just so happened to be a T.H empty coffee cup that sat on the kitchen counter for a few days (before being properly placed in the appropriate recycling bin) and that just so happened to be the same time that I brought in the emergency Tater Tots and placed them in the freezer.  Look, I'm only suggesting.  I mean you just never know how far that "Google Glass" technology is going to go. Maybe it will be involved in the future of marketing research, is all I'm suggestin' without sounding too insane.  It's just a theory, or suspicion, really. Of course, you'd never spot a tiny chip embedded in a cardboard cup with the naked eye. You'd need a microscope, or at least a really powerful magnifying glass or something. Look, they have the technology is all! You know it, I know it.......  Ok, stop looking at me. 

So anyway, without further ado, here is my review of the newer crispier, golden-er, bigger hash browns.

Upon first inspection I noticed that indeed, they were bigger.  Fatter, actually would be a better way to describe them, but, yes, also longer. They were golden, not really golden-er, but still golden.  Yes they were definitely crispier than the old hash brown, which allowed for more ladylike consumption even without utensils, as none of the previously soggy strips of "potato" resisted my bite and dangled either out of the rest of the hash brown, fell sloppily out of my mouth or attached to my chin.  All in all, this made eating the hash browns less barbaric and also left me feeling a bit fuller, cleaner dignified and more satisfied.  If they were available any time of the day or night without question, or if Tater Tots did not exist or became extinct for some reason, I would give the new T.H. hash browns full marks, but alas, I will have to give them a 8.45 out of 10.



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