Thursday, January 23, 2014

Winter Survival Skills For Women

As I blindly made my way to the bathroom this morning I looked out the window to barely see a smallish person, a woman, I think, wearing at least 382 lbs of clothing, holding a shovel.  Before her was about 10 feet of 7,0002 lbs of snow of the most horrible kind, the heavy-wet. Behind her was a car, waiting to be freed.  I stood watching her slowly digging out, one small shovel full at a time and I couldn't imagine what made her think that she could actually do this. Lady, you are a tiny woman!  For the love of God use this fact to probably its one and only advantage!  A perfect excuse to give up! 

You see, I am ever ready to accept my limitations, usually before I've even tried, so to actually get up early, put on all this clothing (which must have taken at least 24.5 minutes - minimum,) and scoop up the first of way-too-many-to-even-ponder shovel fulls of snow is so beyond even imagining that I can - well, I can't imagine it.  I am quick (some may say too quick but who asked for their opinions?) to size up a situation and decide that I am not up to the task  (the ways in which, reasons why,   vary according to too many variables to list.)

As I stood there watching in awe and disbelief, I took this moment inside, warm and cozy in my ugly flannel robe I bought to dispel any ideas men might have about "shoveling me out,"to come up with alternative plans for this woman, putting myself in her situation, which of course is ridiculous because as I've said, (quite convincingly, I'm sure) I am not able to take on these tasks of enormous magnitude, or even some of those of  only a wee bit of magnitude.

1. DENIAL.  Obviously, the simplest way to address this problem is to deny it exists.  So after sizing up the Task Too Large To Handle from the window of her warm and cozy bedroom, she should have simply gone back to bed.  Later, at a more civilized time of the day, a short email could be sent to work or wherever/whatever was prompting her to even attempt leaving the house, explaining her inability to do whatever it was she was supposed to do.  She should resist using the happy face emoticon if at all possible, of course.

2.  PAY FOR IT. Consider cleaning up a bit (but perhaps keep the bed-tousled look)  and then look out the window to see if Richard Gere is around (with his shovel.)   If so, call to him from the door (as she would be much too lightly clad to go outside) and arrange for a shovel out, if you know what I mean.  This could actually be the most affordable solution, depending,  of course, on what she was willing to barter with.

3.  RESORT TO ANCIENT RITUALS, NATURE, OR LIVE BY MOTTOS PAINTED ON WOOD: Use the back to nature approach, like they do at Stone Henge before the Summer Solstice every year.  Grab a drum and lure the sun back into the sky.  Yes, simply wait for the sun to melt everything. All good things come to those who wait, they say.  They also say "just believe" but really that's been done to death.  All those cutesy country distressed wooden signs.  Thank god that fad is over.

4.  USE THE LAZY-MAN'S (WOMAN'S) APPROACH: I grew up in a snowy place so I've seen all kinds of creative ways of getting out of REAL snow removal.  Basically, you just shovel enough to make your way to the car, to get your car out and back in, and make your way back to the house.  So, in this case she could start shoveling at the point where the right front tire is to the road, shoveling only a trail the width of the tire, then repeating this procedure starting at the point of the left tire.  This approach requires a belief that the rest will melt sometime soon, but this belief does not need to be painted on distressed wood.

5. ADJUST YOUR DATING STANDARDS:  Of course, if this woman is married, first she will have to get divorced.  I mean, really.  No woman should have to put up with this shit, right?  If she has a live-in "man" well, he needs to be evicted, preferably before the end of the Winter.  If she is single, well, this may be a little kick in the butt to get out there and find a man.  However, she will likely have to adjust her profile and/or limit herself to two drinks at the bar because she is going to have to commit to only dating men that look really strong or those who own trucks with a snow plow attachment.  Easy Peasy.

UPDATE:  After I wrote this post, I checked on the status of the snow removal project and it is obvious that the woman has decided on option number one.

Ah, a girl after my own heart.


  1. I believe there are two kinds of winter people...those who shovel every inch of snow from their driveways...and then my family.

    We're a 'clear a path' kind of people.

    1. Michelle, well yeah. I mean it is going to melt sometime, right? Driveways are just too big these days....


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