I am SO qualified!

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So yesterday I saw an opening for a part time job in town. It's the first one I've seen since August. Of course I sent in my resume, which by the way, has almost none of the skills that this employer is looking for, at least in the way that she intended the applicant to possess these skills. I do have the skills, however. I just haven't - well learned most of them "on the job."

Knowledge/Experience

1. Food and Food Products I'm not sure what the difference between food and food products is - maybe it's kind of like cheese and "cheese food" or cheese and "Kraft." But I do have some knowledge of both. Too much at times as a matter of fact.

Specific Skills

1. Operate Cash Register ✔ I did operator a "cash register" at the job I won't list on the resume, but obviously we will not speak of this. I operated a cash register during my high school years, and I believe that qualifies, since there was no time span specified for these skills as in "operated cash register sometime in the last 32 years." So - I'm going to say yes to this one.

2.customer service oriented ✔ Am I ever!!! oh. wait. customers. Employees are not customers, but what the hell is the difference??? I am a "people person."

3. Process money, cheque and credit/debit card payment.✔ I have "processed lots of money, checks and credit/debit card payments. I dare say I am an expert.

Transportation/Travel information

1. Must have own transportation: ✔ Yes, I have both my feet and they are in fine working condition now that I have thrown out all my stilettos.
Essential Skills - Pay attention. These are essential.

1.Reading text ✔ duh.

2.Numeracy. ✔ I am assuming that this is a fancy word for numbers. I know what numbers are. They are not my best friends by any stretch of the imagination but I doubt that we are going to be doing calculus at a coffee shop.

3.Oral communication ✔ Yes, I am quite good at this. Ask Dave. HEY. THIS IS A CLEAN-ISH BLOG! Get your mind out of the gutter. What I meant was, ask Dave because I talk his ear off. Geez.

4. Working with others. Ok, this is the one that is likely to get me in trouble. See, I can work with others quite nicely, thank you, but it depends on who those "others" are. If they are crazy lesbians with ADD and a very bad memory, or an aging biker scank-bitch turned "body worker" and "dancer" well I'd have to say no. No I do not work well with these types. However, with somewhat normal people, I do work well so I'm going to give this one a ✔ This one, of course will be the one that gets me fired if I get hired, because as far as I know there are no normal people employed here. But there could be and as you know I'm ever hopeful.

5. Problem solving - ✔ Hell, yes. I can problem solve like nobody's business. I can also create problems if the need ever arises. I am an EXPERT at this skill.

6. Decision making - Oh, this one is a toughie. Can I or can I not make a decision? Am I good at this? Should I say yes, or no on this one? Oh fuck it. ✔ There! Decision made!

7. Critical Thinking - ✔✔ I am extremely critical of everything and everyone - in my thoughts.

8. Job task planning and organizing. Wait. This is a minimum wage job, right? Planning - I plan to go to work today. Organizing - I brought my own self to the job. Done. ✔

9.Significant use of memory. Oh boy. I'm old. This one I'm going to have to fake.

10.Continuous learning - this of course, will be consistent with frequent pay raises. There is only so much info this brain will store for minimum wage. a possible ✔ with conditions.

So there you go. I am, obviously, a shoo-in.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  I never heard a word.