Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Do I look fat in this barely visible silhouette?

Author's Note and Disclaimer: I have nothing against old men. It's just that one story always leads to another, as things tend to do in my life.

I am reposting a photograph I took a couple of days ago when we took the winter walk on the beach. If you notice, and this is probably not something you would easily notice, Dave is silhouetted in the background of this shot. Now I happen to really like this photo because, like me, it's all moody and all, so I showed it off proudly to Dave and he studied it for a moment and the rest is relationship history.

Dave: God. I look like a neanderthal !
Me: What the -
Dave: I mean. I really have broad shoulders.
Me: (sigh) Yes. But -
Dave: I have to lose some weight
Me: Stop being a girl.

So he did. And then he turned into Woody Allen. He started kind of stuttering before each sentence.

Dave: ah-ah, I mean - look. No,no, really - look at that. I've never been this, well ah - you know - Large.

It wasn't that he turned into Woody, more that Woody took over his body. Obviously, Dave had been possessed, his body hijacked by a whiny Jewish guy. I looked online to see if Woody had died recently without my knowledge, but as far as I can tell he's still alive and thankfully hasn't moved into Dave because as far as I know only dead people can do that - but.....what if..... No. I think it's only dead people who have this ability and that's good because Woody isn't dead and because one neurotic person is enough for one household - that's what I always say.

ok. I never said that before today. But. There. I've said it.

Come to think of it, though, it's not the first time I've noticed that the dialogue of some people just doesn't seem to fit their personality - or age for that matter. Lately I've noticed that people who are in my age group are starting to use vocabulary from an earlier time....no, no, they aren't walking around saying things like "thee" and "thou" and "me thinks" but silly little sayings like "jeepers" and "spiffy." Why the other day I heard a woman friend tell me that I "slay her." And that's when I started thinking about that movie "Prelude to a Kiss" where Alec Baldwin plays a man whose bride swaps souls with an old man after he "kisses the bride." One kiss. That's it. Now everything about the woman is different. And she starts using old-man language.

And that old guy wasn't even dead.

So, the point is that if you suddenly find yourself thinking that something is the "bee's knees" or exclaiming "oopsie daisy!" after you stumble, you may want to get yourself an exorcist. I'm pretty sure that exorcists, even though they are best known for getting rid of Satan, can get your soul back from any otherworldly or earthly thief, as long as (a) they know what they are doing, (b) have an aspersorium full of holy water and a crucifix and (c) are Catholic Priests who are specially trained at that secret place at the Vatican where all the woo woo goes on.

I know, right?! Who said this would be easy? But hey, it's up to you. Let's face it, the choices are few for those possessed by dead or undead old people - and here they are:

1. Start wearing Old Spice/White Diamonds, collect coupons and reguarly say okey dokey or
2. Call the Pope.

Ok. that's it for today cuz I gotta skedaddle...

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