Thursday, July 8, 2010

It's Hot, I'm cheap, I Cry When I Knit and I'm Not Fond Of Cyber Kissy Lips

Kissy lips. Appropriate for hetero same sex communication? Discuss amongst yourselves. I'm uncomfortable with it myself. I feel kind of violated. I hardly know this woman.

I'm not sure whether or not I'm wearing a maxi dress or a muumuu today - not that it matters since I'm over 50 and it's over 150 degrees today, but you know, still - muumuu = no no. On this particular day my daughter emails me a picture of this knitted neck warmer and asks me to make it for her. Perhaps she doesn't remember that I tend to cry at knit class. It's actually a great looking project - this one is being sold on Etsy for $60.00. Any knitters out there know where a pattern for something like this might be?

There are bananas on my counter that need to be made into bread. I'm going to try the recipe in the current "Cooks Magazine." Never ceases to amaze me how they can take the homiest basic food and complicate it to the point of gourmet, however the results are usually amazing and then I look so darn clever I have to buy the magazine again and again and proudly display somewhere in my kitchen where guests will see it.

I was looking for a recipe for whole wheat bread and I wanted it to come out really good, so of course I went to their website. I was thrilled to see a recipe search. I was thrilled to see all the bread recipes. I was not thrilled to find out that I had to subscribe to the damn online archives in order to get the recipe. Oh but wait - a free trial!! Ok, that's fair, except for one thing - you have to give your credit card info just to get the free trial. uh-uh.

All the while this guy is looking at me from the page, as if to say "what are you waiting for? Can't afford the $34.95 a year?" Looking down at me with that look, like he just tasted something really bad or I mispronounced the name of some french food or good wine or I didn't sift my flour, or I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe.

Anyway, I usually spring for the magazine but I'm not springing for web access. So I'll just end up throwing away 10 times the amount of the subscription in ingredients for the botched loaves of bread I make from free recipes online. (I'm thrifty like that) and in doing so give this man reason to continue wearing his little know-it-all face that screams I told you so you white trash whore.

There's nothing much else to report right now - it's so hot outside I hate to leave the house but I must walk down to the market with my new Big Carrot red insulated tote. I will do so wearing my muumuu, remembering to lift it slightly as I step over the melted blobs on the sidewalk that once were people.


  1. This kinda reminds me of the day I needed to get yesterday's paper because there was an article I needed. I tried to get it online but you have to subscribe to their online service to access those files. I just wanted a copy of the paper. I ended up driving downtown to the paper and asking if I could buy yesterday's paper. I pushed my quarter towards the woman helping me. She looked at my quarter and said yesterday's papers were $1.50! That's $1.25 more than today's paper. She said it was a stocking fee and some other crap. I paid the money and she got off her chair and reached into the closet next to her and pulled out yesterday's paper. Talk about feeling used.

  2. oh my god - that's kind of like antiques - worth more because they're old, but YESTERDAY's paper? I think not. However, you have given me yet another idea how I can make lots and lots of money! Save newspapers.

    This should work out as well as all my previous money making ideas.


Please attach soul and sign in blood. Thank you, The Management