Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Hot Enough For You?

If it weren't for tomatoes I would hate this time of year.

Yes, people, you may have just met the only person in the world who hates summer. And I don't know why there aren't more summer haters out there because I don't know about you, but I like some air available when I breathe. Upon inhaling I like to feel I am taking in something slightly cool, on the dry side, with a slight burned-leaves bouquet. Call me crazy. Oh. And. There's also the whole bad hair thing but that's a subject that already gets too much airplay on this blog.

Every once in a while, Dave and I talk about our "house." We usually refer to the house as "the cottage," mostly because as I told you, we're moving to the beaches, and so we're moving into a cottage. Obviously. A cutesy, cutesy, cutesy cottage. But anyway, we talk about moving to this place in the future, when we don't actually NEED to live downtown, when we want to lower our expenses and get the fuck away from all these neighbors (who we will probably, even then, hardly know because we've only seen them once in the elevator and he/she had earbuds in and was busy checking the Blackberry.) So we think about the few spots that we've found in our travels, the ones that have appealed to us- most of the spots (the ones that aren't the beach) are a bit north. Most people shiver when we talk about this because it "gets kind of cold there in the Winter!" they say.

You don't say. Cold in the Winter. Wow, that's weird I say as I envision lovely chunky all wool fair isle sweaters and Billy boots, hats, scarves, and of course, snowmen. Well-meaning People? I moved to Canada. I was kind of ready to be a little chilly. (and aren't pinkish wind burned cheeks so darn cute?)

Ok, maybe I don't really hate summer - it's just that it goes on too long and at that very moment when you think it's gone on too long and it's gotta give any time now, it gets even hotter and more humid and you end up sealing yourself up tight in any place that has air conditioning, which by the way is becoming harder and harder to find because people believe that the earth will be saved by reducing this kind of power. Yeah, forget about oil spills and plastic poisoning, weapons of mass destruction and genetically engineered food - you, sitting by the open window in a stuffy house/store on an August day when the temp is over 90 degrees fanning yourself with a cheap Chinese made fan that is most likely coated in lead poisoned paint are singled handedly SAVING THE WORLD. Thank you so much.

These people who actually believe conserving energy by opening a window during a heat wave will save the world will continue to believe this until angry mobs of menopausal women wearing skimpy outfits (because we don't give a flying fuck how fat we are - we are hot dammit) and holding sharp spears organize, gathering strength in numbers as they make their way around the world, killing everything in their path especially those people who say "I love the heat. You'll wish you were this warm when it's January!!" and eventually REALLY kill the planet and every living thing on it. Actually they won't kill the planet, because Earth is one tough motherfucker, and so the world will then be ruled by these amazon women which will probably be the best thing that could ever happen really. I'm just sayin'.

*thanks to Donkey Dave for providing grammatical consultation


  1. I have no love for tomatoes. Icky icky pooo and here as of late, Im not loving the summer. The heat is killing me........ and this coming from a Florida girl!

  2. Ok, then - let me know where to send the spear and the skimpy outfit.


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