Sunday, June 7, 2009

Warning: This Movie Review Could Prove to Be Terminal. You've Been Warned Don't Come Crying to Me if You Die.

I think I may have ingested something in the 80's that kind of made everything seem better than it was.

Um, obviously.

But also - when I watch movies from that era today, the ones I used to love so much that I watched them endlessly and knew the script by heart, it's now kind of like looking at someone you thought was really wonderful last night, only now you are in the sober light of a new day and, you know - not so much. Of course I have never actually done this kind of thing, but I imagine it's like that.

See, I loved The Terminator - the original one. I think I loved The Terminator because before The Terminator I thought all action movies were nothing but action and back then I wanted a plot - and The Terminator had a plot and it involved things like going to the future and all, and the 80's movies were all about someone going to the future or the past or both (as in Back to the Future and Peggy Sue Got Married, Big, etc, etc.) So anyway I think that's why I loved The Terminator - it was a guy flick I could relate to and it originated in the 80's when I'm quite sure I was under the influence of something back then but I do not know what because during that time I decided to become a vegetarian one day and it lasted for 2 years and during that time who the hell knows what exactly I was eating but surely something I ate back then caused me to lose my mind a little bit. You know, because of the whole shoulder pad thing.

Now however I am either (a) a guy (b) no longer sniffing household products or eating mushrooms and plants found in neighboring woods (c) so about movies being what they are and not trying to be something else or something more in order to get bigger box office returns or of course (d) just an old cranky fart who doesn't like anything new whatsoever.

You pick one, I don't care. I just have this to say and then I'll shut up and leave you to enjoy your night and me to enjoy my early bird dinner and my 8:00 pm bedtime:

Hollywood, please please let's stop with the really crappy dialogue already and just show us the action. And also? Give us some music. No, not just a tiny clip from Alice in Chains and Guns 'n Roses but how about a whole action scene to music like the music videos of days gone by. I would so love that! Because you know, nothing takes the guy out of an event (like an action movie or a hockey game) like music does. I swear I'd love sumo wrestling if it had a Nine Inch Nails soundtrack I swear to God and additionally I swear to the baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling clothes and laying in a manger because no one called ahead to the Inn for a reservation even though they so should have being that it was Census Season.

Oh. In case you haven't caught on already, this is my official critique of Terminator Salvation.

To sum up - Besides wondering if I too could get away with announcing every five minutes that I am (this is ) Janine (last name) and having a whole world full of people who were as good as dead follow me simply because I announced my name while offering them no photo id whatsoever, I spent the entire 1 hour 55 minutes more or less glued to my seat simply by the exhausting action. No, seriously it was a kind of mock centripetal force I swear again on the sweet baby Jesus and the little lambs that sat by his manger because hey body heat is body heat man. No shit.

But for some odd reason, despite the seriousness of the setting of this film - I mean what is more serious than post Apocalypse? I felt the dialogue was just a tad too dramatic, that's all. And hey, while that's ok on old Batman TV reruns and actually, on old Batman reruns it's more than ok it actually rocks the entire universe to death - it's kind of not ok in a film that not only cost millions to make but also prevented a lot of pretty damned important indie type films from being made (most likely effecting some people I know - not to get political or get on a soap box )(I never really get that because our soap comes in really flimsy small boxes would certainly NOT hold up under that kind of pressure) but anyway that's how I feel about it.

There you have it. The review. Go see The Movie, or don't. I don't care all that much at all people. I'll still love you either way. I don't have nearly enough readers to alienate any of you.



  1. You can stand on the box if you leave the soap in it.

  2. Oh come on. You just didn't like they way they shadowed out all the nether region manly parts on all those nekked, hunky terminator types.

    Or maybe that was just me.

  3. Susan - Does that work with Dove? I mean, Dove is very "gentle" and that's kind of like weak.

    She Said - ok, I did kind of like that a little bit now that you mention it.


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