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Monday, May 4, 2009

Almost Famous

So I'm kind of like a rock star's girlfriend.

Only Dave's not a rock star. If your boyfriend is a very popular church choir director does that make you like Jesus Christ SuperStar's girlfriend? It kind of does, right?

No. No. Wait a minute. I got it. It's like you're the girlfriend of the really cute band teacher at the high school, the one all that makes all the hoochy mamas take the time to spray a little extra perfume into the air and walk through it before picking Stanley up from band practice. Kind of like that. Only there are no hootchy mamas here. Only nice church ladies.

Still he's like really popular.

So, because I'm his main squeeze I get like the best seat in the church and stuff. Like first row. I'm not kidding. Sometimes I throw my keys and panties up onstage while he's playing. Ok, no I don't. It's church. And the Stage is like the ALTAR people. Geez. Even though I'm not at all religious in this kind of way, I don't go around tempting fate like that. Thunder bolts can sting you know. And they can burn you bad.

But I'm just saying if you need some good tickets, I can get them for you. You'll be so close you might get sprayed with holy water. No, wait. I don't think the Protestants have holy water. Well, you'll be so close you'll be able to smell Jesus.

Ok, maybe not and even if you could I doubt you'd want to. Dude, they didn't bathe much back then right? But how bout this - sometimes The Protestants? They have good snacks after the service.

(Just smoke the joint outside, ok? I have a reputation to consider.)

Authors Note: The faces of the choir were blacked out to protect their identities and also the identity of God. Because of course God had to be there last night - like Santa and Mastercard, he's everywhere you are, watching you and making sure you're not doing anything fun and in the case of Mastercard if you do have fun it will cost you and you will pay a lot of interest besides. PS. Hey remember that whole 2 or more of you gathered thing? God's not all that into the one on one I guess. But there were more than 2 last night so I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that he was there.

Anyway, God was almost certainly there, but I didn't see him because again, I'm not Protestant, but in my mind God is a sort of a Holy Batman, which is why Robin kept saying "holy this" and "holy that" Batman. He does not want his true identity as Bruce Wayne or Satan ever found out so that's why there used to be a no camera in church rule but there obviously isn't anymore which makes me wonder if God uses his invisibility cloak everywhere now and so maybe I didn't need to black out the photo afterall.

Still I thought I'd explain. So there you go.


  1. I bet Jesus smells like cotton candy.

    Just sayin'.

  2. i'm so happy you're back! thought you'd vanished forever into the interwebs, never to amuse me or provoke my thoughts again.

    and one day, when i stop neglecting my own blog, i'll update my damned blog roll with your new(ish)home.

  3. p.s. i got so excited just then i spilled some lovely pinot all over the place. somehow, that seems appropriate.

  4. Miss Yvonne,

    Well, I'm sure we'd like to think so. And so, hell ok. He does.

    But one thing for sure - his feet didn't smell with all that foot washing going on.

  5. Terry - Pinot - oh, see?? There really ARE not coincidences! Glad to see you again!

  6. man! you are funny. and beautiful. and charming. and wonderful writers. your life sounds fascinating. i wish i was just like you....

    thanks for stopping by my blog.....

  7. Madge,

    I couldn't have said it better myself.

    Thank you!!

  8. There she is! It's everyone's favorite redhead! I ditched the blonde a few days ago--it's good to be back in company with you hair- and blog-wise, my dear!

  9. Valerie!! Welcome back - I knew you'd give up on the blonde. Not as much fun after all, no?


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