Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Thinking About It Is As Good As Doing it Really. As long as you don't mind not amounting to anything whatsover.

They say there are no "original" ideas. I suppose "They" are right because I've heard that particular statement a number of times now, so apparently even They didn't have an original idea when They decided to announce that there are no original ideas. That's why when someone says to me "There are no original ideas, you know." I like to come back with "Yeah, so I've heard."

But my point is, you should really be careful when you make statements like that. I mean someone somewhere at sometime had to have an original thought. Listen. What about the first living being with a brain capable of thought? His/her/it's first thought might have been really dumb sounding and boring but it was original simply because there was no one before him/her/it to have a thought at all. It was the first thought. Therefore original.

Course, I doubt that he/she/it would like it very much if we happened to know what that thought was, however because knowing us it would end up being immortalized somehow. It would have found it's way onto a historical plaque or something and all the people who read the plaque would start laughing because let's face it, the thought would most likely have something to do with body functions.

And yet, still to this day the first joke most kids make at about the age of 2-3 usually includes the word poop. So there you go. Fame where you least expect it.

Anyway, I'm sure I've had an original idea or two mainly because no one else in their right mind would think some of the shit I do, but I'm not going to give you an example of what I consider to be most likely a very original thought no one else has ever had because I kind of like to keep those thoughts to myself. You know because most of them are a little bit dirty.

In a way, knowing that there aren't all that many original thoughts in the world is kind of comforting because, you see, up until I heard Them say that (the first time) I felt that my tendency to procrastinate was ultimately and also completely responsible for the fact that I have not as of yet amounted to anything at all.

Because, you see, I have invented just about everything before the actual patented inventor did. In my head, I mean.

For instance, the picture above is art. These "clothes" are not made of natural fibers of any kind. They are most likely made of some sort of metal and they are hanging here because they are in the Artist's Alley in Kingston. And while it's pretty darn cool and all, (cool enough to inspire photo documentation) I also created this type of art many years ago when I was the mother of three little children. Back then I was going through my "dryer is broken" period. It was early November.

While attempting to dry my family's clothing outside on the clothes line, everything kind of froze and I remember thinking "Hey, too bad this is real life and not art because if it were art, (a) I wouldn't have to wear frozen clothes and (b) I'd be living in Soho pretending to be poor but really I'd be wealthy and I'd wear lots of cool bohemian clothes which by the way would also not be frozen and (c) I would have finally amounted to something. Something strange, mind you, but something nevertheless.

And speaking of Necessity Being The Mother of Invention, I also invented lots of baby things. Like the binky tether. I mean have you ever seen how fast a kid can retrieve a pacifier from the ground and plop it back in his/her mouth? Yes, I know you are not supposed to tie anything around a kid's neck, but it was loose and also? I was a responsible and attentive mother who regularly resisted the incredible urge to leave my kids in the car while I played the slots at the Casino. ok, what were we talking about?

Oh. inventions. You know those things that they sell now that cover the seat and handle of supermarket baskets? I invented those. Kind of. I made a supermarket basket handle cover using a baby washcloth and velcro. Again, for some reason the absolutely most germ infested surface (the handle of a supermarket cart) is so darn attractive to babies that they just HAVE to taste it. Immediately. Hence I wrapped a clean washcloth around the handle and fastened it with velcro. Then I took the cloth home and washed it. So when you see those things in the store now you can tell your friend that you know the inventor. The original inventor. As in not the one with the patent.

The one with the patent, of course is the type of person who actually took the time to develop this idea further and patent it and now she is one of the people who have amounted to something. Because she invented something that keeps babies from getting sick from germ infested shopping carts.

And that means, come to think of it, that the inventor's invention, her documented, patented original idea was a direct result of her pondering poop.


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