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Sunday, March 1, 2009

Spiritual Elevation Through Renovation

Recently we had some trouble with the toilet in the guest bathroom, as in it didn’t always like to flush properly. At first we were just going to replace the toilet, but one thing lead to another and next thing you know a new vanity, mirror and light fixture found it’s way into the condo and the Reno Guys were called.

I didn’t think I’d have much to write about the Reno Guys because I figured they wouldn't be in my life long enough to be blog-worthy.

But as it turns out my friends, Reno Guys have been coming for a visit every day for the last 8 days. Because nothing is ever as easy as it seems. One of the guys is a quiet type who has a rather Zen and the Art of Toilet Installation approach to our bathroom renovation project while his younger sidekick likes a good conversation with abrupt subject changes every 7.4 minutes.

I'm not sure if Zen Reno Guy (let's call him ZenRen for short) actually listens to him or if his words are the kind of distractions one encounters while meditating, the kind you are supposed to acknowledge and send on their way before going back to your mantra which in this case is probably something like if you don't shut your hole I'm going to seal it shut with this toilet sealant stuff. Or maybe his mantra is something much worse. Who knows - at least that's what I'd be thinking.

But let's face it, if I were really good at this zen stuff I wouldn't even hear him which would have saved me a lot of aggravation earlier in life but that was before I knew what Zen was except for some shit I saw Keith Carradine do in Kung Fu.

Anyway, everything was progressing as it should until they Reno Guys informed me that we had chosen the wrong toilet.Did you know that there are Right and Wrong toilets, as in standard and "not standard?" Well, there are. And of all the toilets in the universe, we picked the non-standard one, which should give you a little insight into Dave and Janine. Yes, you should know before we go any further in this relationship that we are indeed Wrong Toilet People.

This prompted a trip to Home Depot to get a Right Toilet. This, by the way was the very first Home Depot in a Mall I've ever been to, where an "associate" must escort you and your cart to your car because God forbid you steal the cart. We all know there are cart thieves out there for whom buying toilets is a cover for their cart stealing operation.

Anyway, in the midst of all this, including waiting for the Indian Gentleman in front of us in the checkout line to win an argument with the cashier over an item that cost 74 cents, this argument holding us up for 16 minutes, Dave had a great idea. He said "Hey, let's use the Wrong Toilet in the other bathroom!" because we figured we had to have at least one Non Standard Toilet Friendly bathroom in the place, right?

So, there was a little problem with that installation which required a little demolition, and we all know all men get so turned on by demolition that even the act of holding a sledge hammer prompts them to cancel their subscription to the porn channel. Hence before the Wrong Toilet was installed there was a hole in the wall which looked very manly indeed.

By the end of the 5th day, the new vanity was installed, as was the the new standard toilet aka Right Toilet and the mirror was hung which promptly caused an accident where the globe to the Perfect Lighting Fixture was broken. Now in the midst of all this chaos, Dave and I take turns (mostly) acting out our homicidal tendencies getting a little testy but the whole time Zen Ren isn't even breaking a sweat so that's when Dave and I googled Buddhist Meditation on the internet and now we're going to pay someone to calm us the fuck down. (more on that later.)

After we bought the Wrong toilet, and then bought the Right toilet, we thought all was right with our world. And it was, for 1.5 days. Then despite our best efforts, despite renovating the entire bathroom, no flush. Clogged. Apparently it was something worst than we expected - a main drain clog. Hence the plumber.

Expecting a quick fix, because we are ever hopeful, we didn't get too excited. It wasn't a quick fix. The plumber had to come back with the heavy artillery. And finally, on the 8th day the problem was fixed. Yes, that was eight days of Toilet Trouble, my friends.

Anyway, what did we learn from this experience you might ask.

Well, we learned how very important a toilet is. I mean, really. Have you appreciated your toilet lately? And by appreciate I mean have you thanked your toilet for flushing this morning? When was the last time you said, "Toilet, I love you. I know you aren't the latest double flush low water self cleaning aromatherapy model but I still love you because when all the other toilets let me down, you are right there just to take any shit I give you."??? If you answered "no" and "never" to those two questions you march yourself right into your bathroom, get on your hands and knees and pay homage to the porcelain God right now. Mix it up one of those nice blue cocktails too while you're at it.

Give your potty a hug today people. I’m just sayin’.

In conclusion, this weekend, we put the finishing touches on the lovely and most importantly, functional bathroom and here is the final result.



1 comment:

Please attach soul and sign in blood. Thank you, The Management