Wednesday, December 23, 2015
The Santa Files
"Hi readers!!!! " SSShhhhhhhh!
(I'm whispering in the way those guys on "Ghost Adventures" do because it makes me feel cool and mysterious.) It's three days before Christmas and I convinced Dave to go with me to the supermarket. Yeah, this is going to be fun. These are the times when even the weirdest of the weird venture out into society and since they don't go out much, well, anything can happen. Which is awesome, and even more awesome is that I am going to take you along on my adventure.
Now we are going to talk very softly so not to startle the crazy fucks, or to let them know that they are being watched because then they will start to act all normal and that will be no fun at all. Nothing worse than a faux normal loony. I mean, Go Mentally deranged or go home. I haven't got time to assess the situation, so if you are going to get your crazy on, do it right. It's three days before Christmas and I have stuff to do, people to watch, a blog to write, and a whole lotta glass raising ahead of me.
Several Hours Later............
Ok. Just when you are ready for them, those sly crazies go into hiding. The only thing weirder than crazy people, crazy old people, or crazy old people who make themselves big and block your ability to reach your food is the absence of all of the above. Yes, the stores, while busy as hell, were strangely void of anyone "unusual." So, you do realize, fellow crazy-busters, that this means they lie in wait for a surprise attack.
The supermarket days before Christmas is too obvious. They know that we know what they are planning, things like strange hoarding of eggnog and stuffing mix, carts full of weird apocalyptic supplies of the holiday kind, marked down Christmas decorations, way too many candy canes, and lots and lots of colored lights, mostly of the flashing kind. (I suspect this has something to do with their methods of communicating with extra-terrestrial crazies, but I'm not allowed to reveal too much of this information as it is top secret. ) Trust me. There are strange patterns in blinking, flashing Griswaldy displays, patterns that cannot be explained and so are often shrugged off as simply very bad taste or the consumption of too much holiday cheer.
So while the strangely quiet holiday environment may be nothing to worry about at all, I can't help but wonder where all the old and weird people are, imagining secret meetings taking place where their presence in large numbers won't be considered suspicious, places like second hand stores, clearance sales, and in the lines outside Walmart before the store is open. Libraries are also thought to be the secret meeting places for the strange, unusual old and alien, as whispering in libraries is not considered suspect. However, reports from several Crazy Busters reveal a relatively common oddity that takes place in libraries. Apparently if you get too close to them while they browse the shelves they will become obviously nervous and move to the cookbook section. (NOTE: Several other reports claim that they prefer the craft section.)
So my apologies for the less than exciting report. Luckily, the craziest day of the year is still to come - the after Christmas sale days. Stay tuned. Nanu. Nanu.