AUTHOR'S NOTE TO THE PERSON WHO HAD A GLASS OF WINE WITH ME YESTERDAY AT A TOTALLY LEGITIMATE TIME OF THE DAY/EARLY EVENING WHEN WE DIDN'T OPERATE A VEHICLE OR FARM EQUIPMENT: I know this post is going to mimic real life but here's the odd part - I wrote this post the day before yesterday intending to post it today *cue twilight zone music or maybe american horror story cuz it's creepier and cooler.* I mean, weird, right??? Anyway, just making sure you know that I'm not using you for blog post inspiration. Well, at least not this time.
AND NOW, ONTO THE POST!!
Look, people who called me. The rumor is not about you. It's not you. It's NONE of you guys. You guys don't even KNOW this person because um well I might be the one who made it up but it doesn't matter because It's A RUMOR!! They are hardly ever true. And besides, some of you were drunk when you called me, so like duh, if the rumor was about you, it's obviously not true. . So relax. It's all good. I just make things up when I'm bored and last time I checked that is called BEING CREATIVE, bitches. I mean that's what Van Gogh did (besides mutilating himself) So calm down and get one with your day or whatever that t-shirt says.
I mean, seriously. Like " Mawrried. Geesh. !"
What? Recognize that movie quote? Well, feel free to guess which movie it came from in the comment box. I love quoting movies, which is why I have so few friends. The only problem with being a movie quoter is that you have to assume that the person you are using this quote on has seen the same movie and is going to know why the hell you are talking like that, and if you do assume that they have watched all the same movies as you have, you must be ready, at some point to find out that some of them have not seen the movie and do not know what the fuck you're talking about, but didn't question you because they were afraid that you might be psychotic and they were too busy looking for the closest exit or they were too polite to say anything .
For about two years I quoted stuff from "A Christmas Story" (especially around the holidays, but anytime really) before I realized that Dave had no idea what the hell I was talking about. Finally, when I realized this, I said "What? Well, what did you think when I was telling you that something breakable was Frageeelee???? And didn't you wonder why I kept reminding you that "I like the Wizard of Oz?"
He just shrugged and smiled because he's just terminally nice that way and there's fuck-all I can do about it. Seriously, I've tried. He just doesn't go changin'.
So, ok. Look. No, better yet, LISTEN. It's all just a rumor. Trust me, no one is going to stop being drunk. I promise you. No one will even cut down a bit, or switch to another beer. I simply won't allow it. No one will make it past day one of their New Year's Resolution. You have my word on that, and if they do, don't worry. I'm on it. If anyone can push someone off the