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Saturday, January 3, 2015

I decided to quit my diet before I start it.




There is a large container filled with hot chocolate mix in the cabinet,  some Cool Whip in the refrigerator, half an apple pie somewhere and a small amount of ice cream in the refrigerator.

In another part of the house, a new diet plan is tacked up on the bulletin board.

Yeah, how much chance of success do you think I have? 

I wouldn't even have most of this shit in my house if not for the holidays and with it, the possibility or the absolute-plans-made certainty of holiday guests, the guests for whom you stock your pantry with all the tempting foods of Satan. Did you not know this is how he battles Christmas? No?  Of course you didn't. That guy's a sly one, I tell you. 

Once upon a time, you wouldn't have to worry that most of this stuff would hang around long because kids would eat and drink anything you had to offer (unless it was peas or meatloaf or milk) and then they would run around all jacked up on the sugar and lose any weight they could possibly gain, so after you made sure they brushed their teeth, there was nothing to worry about.  No leftovers, no obesity, and no cavities.  Life was so good then I think I'm gonna cry.

Now they are raised to make healthy food choices, and so you get stuck with all the crap you ran out at the last minute in your curlers and slippers to get for them.  And while it's true that you might have chosen some of your own favorite goodies, you were doing this with the little darlings in mind.  Too bad you forgot they were gluten intolerant, allergic to sugar, afraid of anything brown, and ice cream might prompt some past life post traumatic memory and resulting psychotic episodes.

So now I have a bunch of stuff made in a peanut and nut free facility just waiting to mess with my diet plan.

And I am so looking forward to pretending to resist and then caving with great passion and abandon.  In all honesty, it is why I start a diet in the first place.  When one is a lifetime professional Quitter  (SEE FULL STORY HERE) setting yourself up to fail is the most exciting part of the game.  No, really.  I live for this shit.  Oh, I can already see myself, teasingly slicing tiny slivers of pie as if that is all I am going to allow myself, putting a small dollop of ice cream on top and smiling devilishly, before going back at least 34 more times to do the exact same thing.  There is nothing like a craving I cannot satisfy.

Yes, this is the slow seduction that causes the very naughty girl to cheat on her diet.   Mmmmmmmmm. Who could resist?   It's all so gloriously tempting.

Thank god  the little darlings are gluten intolerant allergic anorexics. All the more forbidden fruit for me.

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