I may seem like a perfectly rational, completely well-adjusted adult, but the truth is, I'm just playing one on the internet. I'm really not very mature.
Yesterday, for instance, I chased Dave around the hardware store with a toilet plunger. Why? Because it was hysterical, that's why. I even said things like "Dave, I found what you were looking for!" It's fun to play these games with him, though, because he takes my prompt and runs with it. Yeah, he has no shame whatsoever. That's what first attracted me to him. He'll say things like "Oh, thank you honey!" or "Awesome! " or "That's a beauty!" or "Bye-bye Poop!" And he's never run away once or pretended he didn't know me. Even when I played this game using hemorrhoid creme or laxatives or the other kinds of really much worse stuff that you can only find in the larger chain pharmacy stores he'd just ride the wave. This is why I always say, "Don't mature past 12 years old, cuz then you have to do too much stuff you don't want to do and you'll never be funny again or even sober."
Look. It's cold here. And when I say cold, I mean it's currently minus fifteen degrees (celcius) which is roughly -10 F. And there's snow on the ground. And when I woke up I could still see the moon and could not see the sun and I was very confused and immediately decided the zombies or the aliens were coming. You, know people can go and have gone crazy in this weather. Or people who are not crazy can act crazy and no one will think twice about it. Which is awesome for people like me, you know, not crazy, but just really bored.
So, we are on a diet. Ok, Dave is the one that is REALLY on the diet. I'm just going along for the ride. You see, if I said I was on the diet too, I would have to quit it soon after. It's how I roll. So I am not - I repeat: I am NOT on a diet. I'm just pretending to diet, so that Dave has some company, or at least thinks he does. He's on Weight-Watchers, and I have to admit it's a pretty awesome diet. I mean, you don't have to give up whole food groups. You don't have to stop eating lovely leafy greens but you can eat a whole cow or all the bacon and sausage and Spam you want. Or no toast but up to 32 eggs for breakfast. No, there's real food here. The kind that won't kill you all of a sudden.
Like pasta. Last night when I ate my dinner based on this diet, I felt like I had actually been on the diet, then promptly quit, and, believe me, this was a very familiar and comfortable scenario for me. It was like I actually joined WW and then I quit. So last night's dinner, which was the first one I have had while pretending to be on a diet, was more like the the dinner I usually have after being on a diet for like, one day before saying " fuck this shit."and quit. - oh, minus the pie and ice cream binge followed by a bag of chips. (unfortunately.)
The other wonderful thing about this diet is that you really have to own a food scale. I know Dave had some high tech thing in mind, but since I agreed to be his diet-buddy, I felt that if at that moment I suggested a lovely retro looking food scale I found online that would look so awesome in the kitchen , he would probably be on board. And so, in a few more days, a package will come in the mail and I will have a new awesome decoration in my kitchen thanks to Weight Watchers and my Pretend Diet. Thanks WW!
Ok, so far, 2015 has been the year that:
- I lived through a musical
- I watched Dave draw a snowman on a tablecloth
- I took a picture of the snowman pic to text to people
- I broke my resolutions before I made them
- I had a snow day because God said.
- I heard a rumor about someone not drinking anymore and then passed it on because if you don't you will suffer from an evil curse.
- I justified my discomfort with polite men
- I quit a diet before starting one
- I pretended to be on a diet because I wanted a vintage food scale