Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Yeah, Myth-Bust This.

Yesterday, Dave met Old Lady.

I know that he thought she was a myth.  Oh, they always do until some huge hairy creature comes down from the mountains and through the woods and threatens to ruin your camping weekend, right?  Yeah, so although Dave has been amused by my stories of Old Lady, I think he was amused in the "sitting in the dimly lit room of a sleep-over listening to stories told in a scary voice" way.  He may have thought my stories were slightly exaggerated which, of course, is like -what?  Whatever.  But yesterday, my friends, on a day that began like any other, how could he know that he would be saying hello to my little friend.

Old Lady, because she is a stereotype, does not have to abide by the laws of physics, or any laws, really because she is the elder bitch.  So she can show up anywhere, looking like any regular old lady, maybe even looking like she might be a nice old lady.  But do not be fooled.  All Old Ladies are alike.  They are all BITCHES.

We were in a different town when it happened.  We decided to go to a movie because around here the locals are wild and crazy and do daring things, like go to movies in the afternoon,  and eat  vanilla frozen yogurt that tastes like cardboard, but that's a story for another day.  My point is, that we had Old Lady Sighting in a nearby town and now scientists believe that this thought-to-be-mythological creature is multiplying in an unusually quick fashion (especially for an Old Lady.)  and of course that means that we are in big big big trouble.

We were outside of the supermarket, just walking by.  The doors opened and there she was, Old Lady pushing a shopping cart (one of those mini carts that single people and old people use.) 

From this artist's rendition of actual events, you can clearly see that Dave and I were 3 steps away from the point of impact, while Old Lady was 10 steps away and yet she stopped short as if we really were going to crash into her (and risk being exposed to all kinds of blood related diseases!!???) and gave us the NASTY OLD LADY LOOK OF DOOM, which is something like, but exactly like this.

I chose this moment to look at Dave and from his reaction, I knew he was feeling quite sheepish about doubting my stories of this thought-to-be-mythical beast.  I watched his face sour as he inhaled the smell of worn-too-long Depends, the scent that is usually your only warning of this sly crreature's approach.  I looked right back into her first stage dementia colored eyes (beige if you must know)  and I let her know without saying a word, that I STILL had post menopausal hormones surging through my body and they were fucking fierce ones.  I was carrying the Mr. T. of estrogen.  She stopped, looked and backed up as if I had slapped her.  Yep, once again, my secret weapon, my force field, THE COLD STARE OF DEATH did not let me down.  She backed up slightly, defeated, returned to her cave, pretending she forgot to buy something important, like laxatives. 

Dave seemed to have a new found respect for me after that, knowing that one day I too would be Old Lady, but hopefully one with better hygiene.

Coming Soon - Myth or Secrets of the Ancients?  OLD MAN!!!!!!!!


  1. thats where my mother went for xmas

    1. Lucky for you I didn't see any resemblance.

  2. Firstly.... you are so right about that "gosh darn" (better watch the language tomorrow is Christmas)!! Secondly I have had numerous sightings of "the olde lady" as of late...that's why I will be remaining indoors and quite "tipsy" until all this passes. Thanks for warning the others.....Merry Christmas!

  3. Oh Christine, you are so wise. You should stay indoors and stay slightly drunk. ...wait what day is it? How long has it been? Am I in a time warp? Ok.nevermind. Carry on.

  4. LOL - I know those looks. Get her!!!

    1. Oh, I plan to. But I have to be careful. She may have something contagious.


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