Are you making New Year's Resolutions? Well, good for you. I hope you get lots of attention and feel quite good about yourself. Enjoy the feeling. Tomorrow you will find out how miserably weak and hungover you are.
Don't worry. We all are.
On the list of Shit I've Learned Simply By Having Birthdays, is the realization that I, as a professional Quitter, do not have any business making resolutions and allowing that horribly delusional part of myself to become extremely excited by the prospect of turning over a new leaf. So, this New Year's Eve, I am going to break all the resolutions that I probably should, but definitely will not make.
Here they are:
1. Clean my closet and file cabinet.✕ didn't even glance at it. (that's how that evil housework demon sucks you in.) Remember, NO DIRECT EYE CONTACT!! © my friend Christine.
2. Reduce the amount of profanity I use ✕ Hmmmm....fuck no.
3. Stop ridiculing people in my head or on this blog. ✕ Yeah, right. When they stop having sex on my bush, pissing in the neighbor's garden, or giving me the Old Lady Look of Doom for any number of no apparent reasons.
4. Come to terms with my mother issues.✕ Um......no. I've decided to turn her into a cartoon character instead. (stay tuned.)
5. Stop Holding Grudges. ✕ No, how am I supposed to whip up a proper batch of "You Probably Don't Remember Me But I'll Never Forget You Revenge Powder" without mixing in exactly 3 tablespoons of finely aged grudges? Yeah, it just wouldn't have the same oomph. Sort of like low fat cheese, sugar free cookies, or my mother's cooking.
6. Stop Drinking Wine. Ha. I always like to throw this one in just to see if you're paying attention ✕
7. Join Facebook. I keep this one on the list every year to remind myself of how stupid and completely RIDICULOUS this annual exercise in futility is. ✕ take that Big Brother.
There you have it - the end of another year and another list of things I will never ever do. Now to get onto all that I plan to do without a smidge of guilt.