Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I was more or less forced to get an iphone.

Saturday I put my big girl shoes on and went out to do something that I probably should have done a long time ago.

Stop guessing.  It's none of those things.  Besides,  I've already done those.

I went out to get a new phone plan and of course, a new phone.  I was a little leery about getting a new cell phone, what with my perfectly good Samsung with the slide out keyboard still in perfect condition.  I mean, what more could a girl want?

But,   after stepping into the store, I became dazzled by all the colors and pixie dust and next thing you know I had a plan and an iphone, and I had signed a two year agreement. I was handcuffed and gagged and sent to a camp where weird people like the Amish or the Scientologists (only much more open to the idea of technology and not opposed to blood transfusions,)   brain wash the shit out of you so that you believe that Apple is the only way to heaven, (which is why this unsuspecting fruit played a major role in the creation story, starring Adam and Eve.)

But wait!!  That part didn't happen until after I was the talk of the mall.  Yes, FIRST I became a celebrity and THEN I was taken to the cult camp.  So let's not get ahead of ourselves, all right?  Ok. Let's roll this story back a bit................

And God said, let there be light.  And there was light. 

Ok that's too far back.  Let's start with me in the store, getting attention from the service personnel. 

When I pulled out my old phone and showed it to my customer service clerk,  a hush fell over the previously bustling chain store.  People stopped in their tracks and turned to see what was going on.  A few moved towards me to get a better look.     I mean, from the looks on the faces of the guys who work there, and the other customers,  I may as well have taken out a boom box and started break dancing, or pulled out a car phone and pulled up the antenna, or put on some headgear and adjusted the attached microphone, or displayed some other even rarer artifact, maybe dating back earlier than the 80's, who knows? maybe to ancient Egypt.  From their reactions you might think that I did all of this and more, (while wearing fingerless gloves and Converse All-Stars. )

Yes, that's exactly what you might have thought happened if you had seen their faces, or heard the shrieks from the crowd. I'm not kidding.  I couldn't have gotten more attention if I had showed them a lock of hair from a Sasquatch,or the eyeball of the Loch Ness Monster. One of the guys I was showing my Retro Samsung to,  said"Whoa!" and backed up a little like he was afraid it might be contagious or explosive, or was found near the remains of a dead alien,  somewhere in Nevada,  who was suspected of taking it from a kid he abducted in the 90's and was never seen or heard from again. It's not that hard to believe, really.   I bet aliens like souvenirs.  I mean, everyone does.

So then I decided to do what I do whenever I get in these situations, you know, the ones where there are like a hundred people staring at me with their eyes wide,  their mouths open and drooling.  I started defending myself,  telling the customer service representative why I actually liked my phone.  I said that I could type really fast with the little keyboard.  There was a lot of "glancing" going on at this point.  People were looking at each other and raising one eyebrow or rolling their third eye.

"No, really, I said" as I saw the guards coming with the handcuffs.

"I'm not kidding!"  I said.  "You guys!!  It's old school!   The government can't track you with this one. It's too old! The technology didn't exist back when this was made!!  (at this point I heard some murmuring from the more geeky looking people.)

Then I was taken away in handcuffs by beings that didn't look human,  and given a shot of something and a brand new iphone was slipped into my fanny pack along with a copy of a signed,  two year contract. The rest is very fuzzy and wavy and psychedelic.  Some sort of strange sitar music was heard in the distance.

And the next thing I knew,  I was in my living room smiling, happily choosing ringtones and setting up my voicemail and feeling strangely attracted to Facebook.

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