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Thursday, March 20, 2014

Princess Stupidhead - Setting Records Since 1958.


When I first came to The Land That Time Forgot, I heard it was hard to find a job here.  But I didn't believe a word of it and besides,  I only needed a part time job so how hard could that be, right?

So, I did what real people do in the real world when they want to find a job, which was my first mistake because of course, this is not really the real world, but a swirling vortex of intergalactic activity causing a shift in the universe, a gap in which another dimension exists, an experimental place overseen by alien beings with sick and twisted senses of humor, who find it extremely entertaining to mix elements of The Andy Griffith Show, Lost in Space, Newhart, and Northern Exposure (aliens love television, man, seriously they can't get enough of that shit) to create a place where all the what the fuck? lives, otherwise this place I call home, or  "The Land That Time Forgot."

 Ok.  So, anyway, I looked in the help wanted section in newspapers and online and I realized that indeed, there are not very many jobs available here, and that, even if they did exist, no one here advertises for help, choosing instead the personal recommendation/word of mouth approach.  So, Dave, while in his travels, using his gift for gab, found me a job.  I  was immediately congratulated by others who told me that I now held the record here for finding a job in only two weeks.  I was strangely, and as it turns out, very wrongly proud.

You see, there are reasons that these jobs are not advertised, as people do not usually advertise jobs that are notoriously so terrible that one must conjure a debilitating illness to be set free.  But, I had an interview, got the job and showed up for work.  One day later - yes one day later, I am not kidding, the woman who was currently the only front desk person (I was told that more help was needed) came down with terrible hives that could not be cured and the origin of whatever gave her those hives was not found, but it was suggested by her doctor that it was likely something she was being exposed to at work, and so she left the job, never to be heard from again.  Actually, if I remember correctly, on the day of my interview, right after my interview, to be exact - and right after the boss announced I would be working there, she said she didn't feel well and had to leave early. 

At the time I didn't think anything of it. Running out the door seemed completely understandable, of course. Yes!  Of course it does, Right??!!  Or did.   But in hind site, it is a huge flashing SUPER UGLY in your face warning sign!!!!  So, when looking for a job, I am begging you to  make sure that when you are heading into the building on your first day, you do not see someone running from the building screaming, engulfed  in flames or covered by unsightly hives.  It's a sign, I tell you and I won't tell you again, so you'd better write this down, otherwise, don't come crying to me because I won't take any pity at all on you.  None.  Nada. You will be on your own. Completely alone,  sad and crying.

So, my part time job was suddenly full time, and as far as everyone was concerned, one half day of training was good enough. Of course!  I got a job in two weeks, so I am a profoundly capable individual!   No need to bother giving me an alarm code, or to instruct me on the extremely long time the sauna takes to heat up - ( no - really,  like hours.) No need to inform me that the computerized scheduling software is a trial version that makes accidental deletion of entries common, that it's ok if customers leave crying, or that a hairdresser can quit without notice, leaving a hysterical bride 2 hours away from the ceremony without an appointment, and lucky me at the desk .  I was never told that no one really knows how to program the membership swipe card and that there are legends of memberships that have lasted longer than the life of the member and are left in a will to an over-weight relative, who still hasn't paid any membership fees.

I was not informed that it was common for the pool to reach temperatures that seemed to me to be  too warm for human safety or that bathing suits can and do regularly react to the chemicals in the pool and swimmers could and often do find themselves swimming naked, while the remaining threads of his/her suit float softly and carelessly by, the Speedo logo swirling as it goes down the drain.  These are the things they don't tell you and why people have to escape using any way possible, which I did, six weeks later, likely setting yet another local record and definitely a personal one for me, elevating my quitter status to that of a professional nature, which almost makes it all worth it, really.

And these are the things I must now think about before attempting to find another job, if/when I ever do.  So many things to ask a future employer,for example:

  • Is there a bathroom in the building?   (no, you can't make this shit up.)
  • Are there people, companies, or institutions you are running from and/or avoiding?  Will I be required to aid in your avoidance/escape plan or concoct lies on a regular basis until I can no longer distinguish truth from lies, forget where I live and no longer know my own name?
  • Have any of your employees experienced unexplained itching?
  • What is the shortest time anyone has by employed by you?  Did anyone fail to return after lunch?
  • Have people (customers or employees) reported (a)crying while or after being here (b)sudden and unexpected nakedness or (c) the sudden development of physical or mental ailments? (this may include real, imagined, or blatantly fabricated issues.)
  • Am I actually supposed to know how to fold a fitted sheet?
So, there you go.  You can use any of the questions on this list for free, but this is only a trial version.  I have a much more extensive list you can order online with just one click.

Remember,  early intervention is key.  Don't be caught in a bad job scratching a dreadful rash.

You heard it here.

-P. Stupidhead.

2 comments:

  1. Ah!!! Why didn't I know you when I was 20???? This list could have saved years of wasted time!

    I will make you a similar list for the restaurant industry!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, maybe when you were younger and so when I was younger, my list wouldn't have been as good, or at least different. See, I probably wouldn't have question number one, for instance, because well, I've never had a job where they didn't provide a bathroom until I moved here. So, it's a "as you go" thing. I'm sure you already have a list too! PS: I couldn't have known you when you were 20 - I'm SURE my ex would have forbidden it because he would have thought you a bad influence!! Ha! Right on!

    ReplyDelete

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