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Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I Am The Keeper of the Most Sacred Fire EVER.



So now that I am not in the world of the employed, you may refer to me as" Keeper of the Sacred Flame. " Which, when you think about it, as I am sure you have, is not a whole lot different from my former title of "Keeper of the Sacred Chaos."

And if you find those titles odd, let me just let you in on a little something about The Land That Time Forgot.  People make things up here.  Yep, things like names, job titles, university degrees, credit scores, the number of times they were arrested, married, rode the hobo train,  and were institutionalized.  You know, sometimes a long Winter will take its toll.  It can change your life, man. I'm not kidding.  Don't believe me?  Well, I don't blame you, but listen -  word on the street is that there used to be a woman here who danced regularly on the beach (in costume)  and called herself a fairy.  (Pinky swear.)  So, I'm pretty sure a little Keeper of the Sacred Flame talk will only be met with a mild huff or an eye-roll or two.  People here have seen it all, man.  I'm not kidding.  I've only been here a couple of years and I've seen plenty, so you can just imagine what the lifers have witnessed.  No wonder they drink before noon.

Anyway, back to today and my new job as the keeper of the sacred flame.  Well, it isn't easy, I'll tell you that.  Let's just say yesterday was a challenging day in the fire department.   I confided in the very nice man at the hardware store admitting to him in a hushed tone that I am not very good with fire.  He was very kind, and in an equally hushed tone told me that many many people, in fact MOST people are also not-very good with fire , but that, in fact, it is very difficult for anyone really to keep the flame going until the pipe gets good and hot.

Hot??  Hmmm.  I never thought about it that way.  Things need to become hot in order to make fire.  BRILLIANT!! YES !! Ok, got it! So for starters I bought some fire starters, little blocks of whatever-that-stuff-is that lights up with nothing but a match, or if you are like me, those dollar-store lighters that last approximately 7 uses which means that in the end you have actually paid $4, 500.00 for a season's worth of flame.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again "I love China." Anyway.

Unfortunately I still had to light the fire starters and of course my lighter was almost out of fluid, so I shook the bejesus out of it and I got a small flame,  lit the starters and eventually, after the wood was burning nicely, I watched over it, making sure the air flow was just right, then I sacrificed a chicken, danced around the house naked in a wild ecstatic frenzy until the fire was going strong, and then I stood watch over it proudly, triumphant as I was in my new role as Keeper of the Sacred Flame.

But, if I am to be completely honest, (ha, funny. I know)  I must admit to you that  I'm a wee bit disappointed in my new position as KOTSF.  I mean,  I wanted it to be more fancy, more - special,  you know, more long robes and crowns and  flaming torches and a bunch of steps I walk up as the crowd cheers, holding the magical torch that will immediately ignite a massive flame to honor the gods and bring good fortune to all the people, and maybe once  in a while I woud be called to sacrifice someone to the fire gods and Oh Yeah,  do I ever have a long list ready, bitches.

But yeah, what a freaking let down. This new job title is a lot fancier than the job.  I'm not so much a priestess as I am a house maid like the ones on Downton Abbey, only without as much fire starting to do and not nearly as many subplots.  So,  I guess this job is just like every other.  Before you make it to the top and get to throw people into the fire, you  have to start at the bottom with a simpler title such as The Keeper of the Wood Stove, or maybe even lower, like Lighter of The Match. Or Sweeper of the Ashes, even. Bummer.  But you know, I bet that fairy lady had to start off small too - maybe as a dragon fly, or a mosquito, or a maggot.  Well, you know what?  Good for her - she stuck with it and was eventually promoted and now her story will live on with all the other town legends that no one really believes.

You know, the fairy life is a really sad one sometimes. I bet even Tinker Bell gets the blues.

Let's pause for a moment of silence.                              Ok.  Carry on.


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