Sunday, January 3, 2010

Being Dead is No Excuse to Be Lazy

My friend from back home came to visit us this weekend and she just so happens to be a medium (can see/hear/talk to dead people.) It was really great to see her again and fun to have her around, but now she leaves me with the knowledge that there are a lot more people living with me than I originally suspected. You know, houseguests of the dead variety.

And that makes me wonder, besides standing beside you while you sleep and occasionally moving furniture, opening and closing doors, turning lights turned off and on, etc., what other, more practical and useful tasks can you assign to dead people? I mean, if they are living in my house and not paying rent, it's only right that they do something to earn their keep, right?

Ok, look. I'm not being entirely selfish here. I mean, dead people have got to get bored, right? Despite the fact that Dave and I are exceptionally entertaining individuals, I'm sure there been a time or two when our resident Native American boarder is like "Wow, this being dead really sucks a donkey's ass. I'd give just about anything to bag a deer right about now, skin a fish, maybe smoke the pipe, make a medicine bag or two..anything, man."

So I have created a few open positions in my house that ghosts might be able to fill. Applications are being accepted, and interviews can be arranged after hours.

Dave's really good with handy man things, but sometimes I feel there are other things he can do with his time and mine. A ghost is the perfect person to fill this position. Must be handy with tools and preferably alive at a time where things were built by hand, as I like the old handmade look.

Now, I like to cook, but on those days when I'm busy, a ghost could be just what I need. Someone to chop and prepare the food and sometimes to do the whole thing. I'd like a ghost who lived when all things were made from scratch and who can learn to operate the worst dishwasher in the history of the world even though in her day she probably washed the dishes down at the creek.

Ok, this is a stretch, perhaps but ghosts are always coming back with messages for the living so I figure that life coach is a great career choice for the spirits of the dearly departed. I could use some advice from time to time, and I'm sure Dave could too. I think the advice that dead people give is pretty much timeless, so I'm not worried about it being old fashioned or outdated. I think ghosts can be trusted in the coaching department. Besides, who knows more about life than the dead? No one. That's who.


Please attach soul and sign in blood. Thank you, The Management