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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Yesterday we almost had no wine and smelling crotches is not just for dogs anymore

I'm late posting today because of an almost wine-emergency.

Here in the land of lots o' government, the liquor is "taken care of" by said government. There are no private booze/wine stores here - wineries excepted of course. All your booze must be purchased at the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO or Lick-Bo as Dave calls it) So when word got out that there might be a LCBO strike the good people of this land sprung into action. (see pic left.)

When we went into the booze store yesterday to buy enough booze to kill Tyranasaurus Rex purchase a bottle of wine for a friend, a reporter from the local news was at the entrance waiting to interview people as they left. Dave immediately grabbed a cart and bought lot's o' wine because he wanted to be on television. I mean, we don't even drink.

Ok. That's not 100% true. It's like not true at all as a matter of fact. But at any rate, we don't drink like those people in the picture. To illustrate, I will show you our wine rack after our shopping trip yesterday. See? Nothing like those other winos.

Know what else we did yesterday? We went to Canadian Tire. Again for the people in the cheap seats, Canadian Tire is kind of like Walmart only there are no clothes made of plastic (like the turtlenecks I bought one year and I could never get the necks to dry in the dryer because they weren't made of any material that even resembled cloth. They were made of plastic-y rubber sponge. No seriously, I washed them and packed them away for the summer and when I took them out the next fall the necks were still slightly damp. True story. I'm not kidding.) Anyway, no plastic clothes (like Bunny's sweater that fell apart slowly in clumps while she wore it at work one day. Again, true true story cross my heart and hope to die.) or CDs without explicit lyrics or books with strong fundamentalist Christian leanings you know like The Bible. Or Chicken Soup for the Soul. Or Jesus Likes Damp Turtlenecks.

How Canadian Tire is a lot like Walmart, however is evident in their inventory choices. Seriously I can't think of any product at Walmart that has come close to the so-bad-it's-almost-awesome - ness of these lamps.


THE MOOSE LAMP

Features: Real faux hand stitching on the shade, Moose and Pine Tree silhouette effect and rotating Moose on the stand. A bargain at only $59.99! Bring back that summer camp nostalgia, complete with head lice and athletes foot with this authentic piece of Canadiana!













Dave and I disagreed about which lamp would actually win the So Bad It's Almost Awesome award. While I thought the Moose lamp won hands down, he was leaning towards this little number, otherwise known as

THE FISH LAMP

Features: "Skilled artisan look" construction. Base of the lamp resembles a sturdy tree trunk with some sort of disease most likely caused by beetles or gypsy moths. Whimsical fish out of water "swimming" by the tree - we don't know why but they are - and also? The guy on the bottom right isn't too happy about the whole thing. Apparently sharks who swim in the air on poles do not like doing this very much at all. Not even to amuse the tourists.


So the other reason I was late posting today is because my husband is working from home. I don't mind this at all, mind you, in fact it's kind of weird how much I don't mind this because in the past (that would be when I was with other husbands) I would have reacted just like you did when you read that sentence fragment "because my husband is working from home." Yeah, I too would have screamed and thrown up blood. But for some reason I like having him around the house. It' s fun to drag him around while he hangs onto my leg.

He tried to make me jealous telling me that he was going to see a woman client and that he was also probably engage in sexual relations with her too. It didn't work. First of all, I mean, really people, he has me and secondly? I told him I was going to smell his penis when he comes home. What? Dogs do it. A dog is like "Hi. Lemme smell your crotch so I can see what you've been up to lately." Perfectly efficient way to communicate if you ask me.

But you didn't. Did you?

Ok. get out of here. See you tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. Crotch smelling is a perfect acceptable way to keep your guy in line should they have the bad judgment to ever stray. btw...I like the moose lamp

    ReplyDelete

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