Tuesday, June 30, 2009

When God Calls, He Blocks His Phone Number

Yesterday I got a call from Private Caller.

I don't like to talk to Private Caller because I like people who call me to be open, to expose themselves emotionally (and physically if we're on Skype.) I don't see any point in talking to someone who makes it clear from the beginning that he/she is "private." That can only mean that I am opening myself up to a very boring, extremely limiting conversation and why would I want to do that when there are so many other more interesting things to do? I mean I have some really really rough areas on my feet to sand, my friends.

So as you might have guessed I ignored the call. Next thing you know, the message light on my phone is flashing.

So I listened to the voicemail message, and it was from God.

Ok, it wasn't from God so much but it was from The Jehovah's Witnesses who according to themselves are God's personal messengers on earth (because we all know the real messengers are the angels and they are in heaven and they wear those gauzy white outfits, while the Jehovah's tend to wear business suits, even the kids.)

Yes, people, the Jehovah's Witnesses are now telemarketing. No longer can you peek out your windows and see them coming - those families in their Sunday best carrying a stack of books and looking all knowing and rather superior because they think God told them something he hasn't told everyone, - and quickly pull the curtains closed and wait for them to leave. No. Now they are calling you on God's private line.

And I'm really surprised actually, that they would embrace technology like this. I mean telemarketing? What's next - email spamming? I mean, I thought they weren't allowed to use any new technology or anything that wasn't powered by an animal or the wind? I thought they made their clothes by hand (I think the footpedal sewing machine is ok though) and rode on horses when they weren't walking.

No, wait. That's the Amish. Sorry.

But I don't think they are allowed to dance. God took pity upon us by enforcing that rule. I recently went to a party where I watched a group of 40 plus bankers dancing and that was bad enough, but when I try to imagine what Jehovah's Witnesses would look like dancing? Ok, that would be a riot mostly because I would be drunk and I think everything is so funny when I'm drunk. Sometimes I think things are funny when I'm not drunk and that is a sure sign that something is really fucking funny. Like this video of JD's head on a stick. I laughed like a drunken idiot when I saw this and I wasn't even drunk yet. It was 8:00 am, people, I have my standards. I had only had a a small glass of white - with a little orange juice.

Anyway, back to the Amish. I mean Jehovah's. The woman that left the voicemail stated that she was very sorry that I wasn't home to take the call as she was going to read something to me from the Bible. Then she told me where my nearest Jehovah's witnesses meeting place is and the hours they are open. She didn't mention if they serve doughnuts and coffee there though and if any Jehovah's telemarketers are reading this, you might want to try that approach in the future. Plenty of my friends go to AA meetings and they're not by any stretch of the imagination in recovery. They just really like Krispy Kremes.


  1. Oh hell no. Telemarketing from the religious sects. God would not be happy.

  2. My #2 son married (and became) a J.W. He didn't try to convert me until my ex and I were going through a divorce. His mother-in-law even tried to 'counsel' me. I didn't fall for it but they have since taken my ex over to 'the other side.'

    I had a really hard time at first. I was mourning the fact that I was never, ever going to spend another holiday with my son. He's happy and has a great group of friends but our relationship will never be the same.

  3. peach tart - I agree. And I know about god - because he loves me and all.

    Jules - that is really sad. I do not understand why a person's spiritual beliefs should separate them from their friends/family. I mean, that is what cults do, right?

  4. They serve donuts at AA meetings? Why have I not been going?

  5. Susan- when they serve wine at AA meetings I'll go....wait. I forgot.

    Never mind.


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