Thursday, May 7, 2009

So yesterday I went to The Bay to buy the man a birthday gift and to buy myself some big event necessities.

I was the only shopper in the place. I felt like I was in one of those Twilight Zone episodes and I'm the tired and rather-sad-if-not-suicidal-looking clerk who, after working late witnesses the mannequins coming to life and having their usual after closing party during which they do something unspeakable as only mannequins, ventriloquist's dummies, hideous old dolls and occasionally Evangelical preachers can do.

I prepared myself to witness naked mannequins partaking in bizarre and perhaps macabre activities, but I wasn't really all that worried because mannequins are really just giant Barbies - usually with no naughty parts, although the modern mannequins do have bulges and nipples, but then this was a black and white scene so I was pretty sure the mannequins would be retro as well and therefore sexless but would wear stockings with garters and the guy dummies would wear hats and that would be so very cool indeed.

But also it was kind of eerie because like I said, the whole room suddenly turned black and white and looked slightly crooked and wobbly because I don't know if there were steady cams back when they made The Twilight Zone. I mean, if television wasn't in color then they were probably still using motion sickness cams. Right? Ok, maybe not but trust me. Things were a little wobbly on the 4th floor of The Bay yesterday and it was way before my 3 martini lunch.

Anyway, scary and trippy as it seemed, it totally rocked.

I wasn't hot or irritated. No one was touching me. The sale racks still had stuff in my size (I am totally average and therefore unable to buy anything before someone else does.) Even the clerk was so engrossed in her rack organization project to annoy me with well meaning questions like can I help you find something or are you finding everything alright or any of the other ways store clerks have to say "I love you but I would take great joy in stabbing you in the eye if I didn't need this lame-ass job so much."

But then I got a little nervous. I felt like I was in one of those movies about the Apocalypse, and maybe all the streets were deserted and the buildings - of course the Statue of Liberty would still be standing but it would be a little wrecked and crooked and I thought maybe I'm one of the last people on earth because I have this unbelievable immune system like the people in The Stand. And I started getting scared that any minute wild animals that had escaped from the zoo, like lions and tigers and such would be roaming the mall, hungry because these guys always get roles like this in Apocalypse movies which, hell at least gets them out of their cages for a while and they don't have to dance around wearing a tutu, so it's a good gig if you can get it, right? But still, I was scared.

And then I found the perfect slip, and other undergarments.

And suddenly I felt like I was in those movies that used both black and white and color like The Wizard of Oz and the whole store lit up and became colorful and I heard other people talking and I saw some other shoppers and yes, some did look a little like munchkins, but still they were human, alive and obviously not all that upset so I knew not only did the world not end and that lions and mannequins did not rule the world, but that I was going to look pretty damned hot on my special day.

UPDATED: Pics of Day Two of Dave's 50 going on 12 Birthday


Left: Susie and Nancy (together again after 24 years)

Below: Further Proof that I am the only non-musical member of this family.


  1. techni-color/twiligh zone shopping AND new under things? nice....

  2. Again I look like a fat Elton John at the piano

    On Monday, I am SO going on a diet.


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