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Friday, March 27, 2009

And The Lord Said, "Earache My Eye, You're Going to Choir Practice."

Last night, Dave was supposed to play music for the Lord.

But he didn't. He was feeling a little under the weather earlier in the day and took it as a sign that Jesus was giving him the day off, even though Jesus did not actually say "Hey Dave, why don't you just take the day off?"

He sent an email to the choir explaining the situation, not the part about feeling that Jesus was giving him a sick day, but the feeling under the weather part and then settled in for some R & R at home.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm feeling just a little uncomfortable about the whole lying to Jesus thing. I know, I know, I did NOT actually do the lying myself, but I am an accessory to the fib and the thing is - it's Jesus. Right?

It's one thing to lie to your parents, teacher, doctor, employer, husband, wife, blood brother or sister, dog, hamster or the bill collector but lying to God? That's not a real good idea because he knows.

And also? Well, the punishment. It's - eternal.

So I started thinking about what I'd say in celestial court if I were to be brought before Jesus and his Jury of Angels. First, I'd admit that although on the night of Thursday, March 19, 2009 I did say I was totally cool about the whole "dave knowing Jesus" thing, in truth I was having just a little problem with the human trait/sin known as jealousy, and yes, maybe on the night of Thursday, March 26, 2009 I did say something to Dave like "oh too bad you have to go to choir practice tonight. I mean with you not feeling 100% and all." And perhaps I did tempt him with some wine (aka the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ which He himself told us to drink up.)

And yes, maybe that is because in all honesty I don't really want to share my man with Jesus. Could there be a worse nightmare? I mean how am I supposed to compete with a guy who throws a kick ass going away party for himself and his 12 closest friends, then suffers an unspeakable death without a bit of whining.

And then a few days later comes back from the grave all dressed in white and - get this - He says "I did all this because you guys screwed up and this was the only way to save you from eternal punishment. Yeah I took the rap for you. I did it all for you because well, I love you guys. I love you." And he said this when he wasn't even drunk. Well, maybe he was a little buzzed because back then they really couldn't drink the water so they had to drink wine all day, even in the morning because there were no Starbucks then, but I suppose you'd develop quite the tolerance to booze if you drank that much, so he was pretty much sober when he said this. At least I'm pretty sure.

And then he delivers an unstoppable encore performance which includes rising up into the heavens like on a beam of light or something. I mean - top that.

Then I would cry because everyone knows that angels can't ignore a pitiful human. I mean, I once had terrible PMS and cried because I couldn't find a parking space and BAM! a spot right in the front opened up. That, my friends was the work of the Angels.

Anyway, with my genius mix of honestly/bullshit/and total manipulation I'd most likely get a max of 5-10 Hail Mary's. Worst case scenario.

So. No biggy. But Dave? I have no idea how he's gonna talk himself out of this one.

Just sayin'.

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